PS 3505 
.U935 
D4 
1911 
Copy 1 



THE DEVIL 
IN THE CHEESE 



THE DEVIL 
IN THE cheese' 



''_,.«r4 >. A (Ur>'.. \A/.^ i J 



^ ■ ^ 



PS 3505 
\^ II 



©C(,0 ^3764 



CHARACTERS OF THE CAST : 

The Devil 

Pray C. Quigley, owner and originator of 
Quigley's Canned Goods 

James Chard 

Pointell Murphy-Jones 

Mrs. Quigley 

Goldina Cassandra Quigley 

Harriet Diana Quigley 

Dennis Agamemnon Quigley 

Belinda Andromache Quigley 

Josiah Hercules Quigley 

Miss Jemima Bledsoe, English governess 

Lizzie Linnell, Mrs. Quigley's maid 

Chubbock, Quigley's man 

Longmaid, Chard's 2nd man 

Father Petros 

Stephanos 

Constantinos 

Thermopolos 

Monks, Girlhood Friends, College Men and Rabble 



SYNOPSIS OF SCENES : 
ACT I 

The Monastery of Meteora 

ACT II 
In Goldina's Head 

ACT III 
Scene I — In Jimmie's Head 
Scene II — The Monastery of Meteora 



ACTL 

The srene is laid in the Monastery of Meteora m 
Greece, on the top of a rock, which rises precipitously 400 
feet above the valley. 

At the back on a high paved terrace is an enormous 
wooden derrick, and tackle and net used f@r lifting pas- 
sengers from the base of the cliff, A low wall surrounds 
the terrace, made of the crudest masonry, running from 
U, L, to \], R, and then down to L. R, At the left is an 
old weather-beaten tower with a doorway. Further up 
stage is an arch, while at U. R. is another stone building 
with a rough door. There are vines on the walls. At 
the right is a low, square basin for water set in. the floor. 
Over the wall at back is a panoramic view of the sur- 
rounding country and hiils far below the Monastery, 

As curtain rises twenty monks are discovered unpacking 
crates of Quigley*s Canned Goods and a box of Parmesan 
Cheese, 

It is raining hard, but the monks are oblivious. 

The rain stops and the sun comes out. 

The rope is violently shaken at the back. 

Enter Father Petros, the head of the Monastery. He 
is a bustling, ineffectual priest of fifty-six. There is 
mixture of bland urbanity and ferocious dignity about 
him. 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Petros. To skeenee! Qufgley. Mr. Quigley, edtho. 
Embros! {The last vestige of the packing is hastily 
removed, then while some of the monks lower the net, 
others with rags on their feet shuffle back and forth over 
the flagging in a long line with their hands on each other s 
shoulders singing a monotonous dirge,) 

Petros. Ipocleenetee stilpnos ee pateres mou ke ipete. 
"Mr. Qufgley and family." {Exit Petros.) 

Monks {bowing). Malista. "Mr. Quigley and fam- 
ily." {Enter Jimmie Chard in net. He is swung in over 
the parapet. He sits Turkish fashion and appears to be 
an attractive youth of about twenty, full of self-confidence 
and ease.) 

Monks {bozving politely). Mr. Quigley and family. 

Jimmie. Oh, but I'm not "Mr. Quigley and family." 
My name is Chard, James R. Chard. 

Monks {politely). Mr. Quigley and family. 

Jimmie. My name is Chard, I tell you. C-h-a-r-d. 
Who is the head of this monastery? I should like to 
speak to him. I'm in a great hurry, for Mr. Quigley is 
almost here. 

Monks {pricking up their ears at the word" Quigley") . 
Ah, malista. Eph aristo poly, Mr. Quigley. 

Jimmie. Greek! Gosh! Do you mean to say you 
can't speak English? What am I going to do? 

Monks. Malista, Mr. Quigley and family. 

Jimmie. Do you mean to say not one of you knows a 
word of English? Here, you look like a likely fellow. 
{He seizes Constantinos by the shoulder, who nearly 
faints from fright.) 

Constantinos. Oiky, oiky. Pater Petros, Pater. 
Petros. 



[6] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE {holding him by the shoulder), I'm not going 
to hurt you. But I want to be a monk for one week — 
while the Quigleys are here and 

CoNSTANTiNOS, Me pheethesthe ! Me pheethesthe! 
{Enter Petros hastily in a gorgeous robe,) 

Petros. Oh, Mr, Quigleyl Was Constantinos bad to 
you? {To Constantinos,) Constantinos, exo, exo, Amesos, 

JiMMiE {delightedly), English] I'm afraid it was I 
that was bad to Constantinos, He couldn't understand a 
word I said, 

Petros. No, I am the only one who can speak the 
English in the monastery. But, welcome, Mr. Quigley 
and the family. But where is the family? He did not 
come? 

JiMMiE. I am not Mr. Quigley, My name is Chard, 
James R. Chard. {Pointing down the valley.) If you 
look over the cliff you will see a cloud of dust chasing 
along the road. That's Mr. Quigley, 

Monks {bowing), Malista, Mr, Quigley and family. 
Petros. Oh, you are the family, then? 

JiMMiE {easily). No, not guilty, I merely want to 
join the monastery for one week. 

Petros {slowly). Then you are not here. No one is 
here but Mr. Quigley and family. He said so, and paid 
so, 

JiMMiE. Then how can you be here? 

Petros. I am Father Petros of the Greek Church of 
the Monastery of Meteora. 

JiMMiE. Precisely. Well, I want to be a monk of the 
Greek Church for one week, too. Now,, I'll give you 
something for your monastery, to make it worth your 
Mobile, Mr. Quigley loves jokes. Tomorrow at break- 

[7] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

fast I shall suddenly appear and Mr. Quigley will be 
delighted for he thinks me in Jericho. 

Petros {scratching his head). You think he would be 
' — delighted ? 

JiMMiE. Yes, and he will probably make you a pres- 
ent because you were in the joke with me, 

Petros. You think so? But he — ^he said ''family'" 
and I said *V^s." 

JiMMiE. That's all right, I'm practically in the fam- 
ily. There, the rope is shaking. 

Petros, Oh, Mr. Quigley is here again I Gureedzete 
strevlee, {They lower the net.) Oh, if you are the 

family it would be all right. But^ — no {He shakes 

his head.) 

JiMMiE, Well, I am engaged to his eldest daughter, 
Goldina Cassandra Quigley, so I should think that 

Petros {very obsequious). That is different. His 
daughter, oh, that is different. 

JlMMlE {hastily taking off his shoes, socks and coat). 
Thanks, awfully! I assure you, Mr. Quigley will 
appreciate it. Now please get me a dressing gown. 

Petros. Constantinos. Agate afton andros khotay 
mantheas. Go with him. 

JiMMiE. By the bye, a boy from Larissa is coming up 
here with a wire. He has red hair and his name is Para- 
pagopolos. 

Petros. He cannot get up here with a wire. It is 
400 feet. The net. 

JiMMiE. Oh, he will use the net. The wire is for me. 

Petros. Why a wire? 

JiMMiE. Telegram; message from America, and you 
will give it to me without a word to Mr. Quigley. 

[8] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Petros. Malista, I hope Mr, Quigley will be pleased, 

JiMMiE. Now, Constantinople, I'll go to my room, 

Petros, Gureedzete strevlee. 

JiMMiE. You might carry mj^ coat. Here they come. 
{He dashes off at [/, L., Constantmos stumbling after 
him in terror^) 

Const ANTiNOS, Oiky, oiky, {Exit^) 

( The Quigley family are drawn up and they resemble 
fish in a net. On the bottom is Chubbock, Quigley's 
man. He is almost squashed, his eyes are bulgy and he 
breathes with difficulty. Do the left is Mrs. Quigley, a 
stout, helpless, though constantly complaining woman of 
fifty-three., impotent yellow hair and youthful clothes of 
the ''dernier cri.'" To the right is Pointell Murphy- 
Jones, who is face down in the net. He is extremely 
British-looking and wears a shvrt military moustache. On 
him sits Goldina Cassandra Quigley, She is dark, with 
rather classical features. At present she is quite unconscious 
of him she is sitting on, and is gazing skywards with a 
certain cx)ntemptuous yet resigned indignation, like 
Madame du Barry in her tumbril. On top sits Pray C. 
Quigley, He suggests a hen during a setting. He is 
dressed in a light, flannel suit, waterproof and a sun 
helmet. Every one looks wet. The humming of voices 
iS heard like the rumblings of a coming squall before the 
net is pulled up over the parapet.) 

Chubbock. Ooch] Ooch! Fve lost my breath. 

Quigley. Is that you, Chubbock, I hear *'ooching"? 

Chubbock. Yes, sir. Vm scrapin' the hedge of this 
'ere precipice with my stomach, sir 

Quigley. Sh! There are ladies present. 

Chubbock. Pardon me, sir, but Fm playin' the part 
of keel to this 'ere craft and I ain't used to it, 

I9J 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Mrs. Quigley {faintly). How soon do we land? 1 
never shall get over this, 

Petros {stepping forward). Welcome, Mr. Quigley 
and family, 

Quigley, Thank you. 

Petros. Oh, the pulley is not right for a moment, 

Mrs. Quigley. And we are in danger of dropping? 

Petros. We drop you, right away, on the pavement. 

Quigley. It's all right, Mrs. Quigley. It's all 
right. He means he's going to land us. 

Mrs. Quigley. And I've got to be kept here dan- 
gling over the clifE until he makes up his mind. And even 
step-ladder heights afEect me. 

Jones. I say, would you mind taking your elbow out 
of my eye,, Goldina? 

GoLDiNA. Pardon me, Mr. Jones. 

Quigley. What are you mistering him for? His 
name is Pointell Murphy-Jones. 

Mrs. Quigley. Is the rope strong? I have never 
known anything so depraved and barbaric as this. 

Petros. Thermopolos, embros ee strevlee. 

Thermopolos. Malista. {The monks hurry.) 

Mrs. Quigley. Is the rope strong? 

Petros. Not very. It broke last week gone Tuesday. 

Mrs. Quigley. Merciful heavens! Do you hear 
that, Mr. Quigley? 

Quigley. Fm not deaf. 

Mrs. Quigley. And it's nothing to you if we all 
break our necks. {She screams.) Oh, there it goes. 

Petros. It is all right. You are here, Mr. Quigley 
and family. I am sorry you were up in the air so long. 

[10] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

{1 he net sinks onto the parapet followed by an enormous 
grunt.) 

QuiGLEY, Is that you, Chubbock, I hear grunting 
again ? 

Chubbock, Get off, get off! I'm busted, 

Mrs, Quigley, I think I've fainted, 

QuiGLEY, Who is that wriggling below ? Is that you 
again, Chubbock? You forget your place. You're a man- 
servant, not an earthquake, 

Mrs. Quigley {trying to get out of the net).. Oh, 
I'm all caught in the net. Will you examine my foot, 
Chubbock? 

Chubbock, What's wrong with it, ma'am ? 

Mrs. Quigley, I don\ know, but It won't come out, 

Chubbock, It's all right now, ma'am. Pull away. 
The button was wedged, 

Mrs, Quigley. Oh, I never hope to go through such 
an experience again. And I am soaked to the skin by that 
terrible rainstorm, 

Jones. Could I ask you to move, Goldlna? I'm most 
"uncomfortable. {Mrs. Quigley seats herself on the floor 
up stage.) 

GoLDiNA. To the contrary, I fin<I you very com- 
fortable — to sit on, 

Quigley. Goldlna, that's not the way to speak to 
Polntell Jones. Remember vay wishes, 

GoLDiKA. Not much chance to forget them^ papa. 

Quigley. Hurry up and get out, I must send the 
net down for the rest of them. Petros, one more load. 

Petros. Malista. Stes thesees. Gureedzete strevle^e. 
{The net is lowered.) 

Ill] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Mrs. Quigley. I'm too wretched to speak. Nice 
treatment this is for bronchitis. My teeth are chatter- 
ing with the c — c — cold from that rain. I should think 
if you had a shred of decency, Mr. Quigley, that you 
would be ashamed to have put your wife through all 
you've put me through today. A net, a rainstorm and a 
donkey. Small thanks to you we aren't dead a thousand 
feet below. 

Quigley. Three hundred feet. 

Mrs. Quigley. Lizzie, where are you, Lizzie? 

Quigley. She's coming up the next trip. What do 
you w^ant? 

Mrs. Quigley {weeping). I'll wait till she gets here. 
Would you mind telling me the point in bringing us here 
in the first place? Would you mind telling me the point 
in making me ride a donkey, for miles and miles through 
sun and rain? 

GoLDiNA. Father, I don't see why the rest of the fam- 
ily should suffer on account of me. 

Quigley. What have you to do with it? This is a 
wonderful spot and most interesting — and a very unusual 



GoLDiNA. Oh, come, papa, you can't say that it was 
for the sake of the view that you brought us here. In my 
life I have never seen a more empty landscape. You're 
angry with me and so you're punishing the rest of the 
family. It's not fair. 

Quigley. Thunderatlon ! I do not intend to explain 
my actions. 

Mrs. Quigley. I shouldn't try, if I were you. ( The 
net reappears again over the parapet. This time contain- 
ing Belinda, Hercules, who is clutching in sullen grasp 
tJ.ree dry batteries; Harriet and Denny, and Mrs. 

[12] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Quigley's maidj Lizzie Linnell, and Miss Bledsoe, the 
English governess.) 

Petros, Welcome to the family:. 

Denny, I beg your pardon. Miss Bledsoe, I didn't 
Icnow that was your ear. 

Miss Bledsoe. Yes, thanks, Mr, Dennis, Are wc 
jilmost there by any chancse? 

Denny, Where ? 

Miss Bledsoe. I'm sure I don^t know^ but wherever it 
IS we are going. I don't dare open my eyes in the air. As 
I'm very bad on heights, Belinda, dear, don't fuss about 

Belinda, Oh, there goes Hercules. 

Mrs, Qui<}LEy. Horrors! My darling, have you 
fallen? Answer me, Hercules. Why don't you answer? 

Hercules (with a , pronounced lisp). As a matter of 
logic, if I had fallen I couldn^t :answer. And if I hadn't 
fallen tliere is no reason for the question. Q. E. D. 
P. D, Q. 

Belinda. I was speaking of my book, Hercules and 
the Apples. And I was in the middle of it when it felL 
Darnation \ 

Denny {jumpvng out)^ There, Tve landed. Want 
<\ hand, Harriet? 

Harriet. Yes, give us youT paw, {She jumps,) 

Denny. Will you look at what^s here? 

Harriet, I don^t see a thing, ( The net is meantime 
landed.) 

Denny {in deepest gloom). There isn^'t a thing. Not 
a darned thing, 

Mrs. Quigley. Lizzie, are you landed? Get *ne a 
\vT3ip then, I'm nearly frozen. 

M3J 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Lizzie. I'm thinkin' of givin' notice, ma'am, Fni a 
respectable woman, and ain't used to bein' treated like a 
kettle of fish, 

Mrs, Quigley {not paying attention, but with deepest 
sympathetic feeling). Isn't it? Now get me some wraps 
while we're waiting to be shown to our rooms. You might 
see about a fire and have the beds nicely warmed, 

Lizzie. There ain't any wraps. They were in trunks 
marked Z and E. I put them into those trunks so I could 
fmd them easy. It's a way of me own, and those trunks, 
was left in Athens. 

Mrs. Quigley. , Then I shall die promptly. There 
is no other way, for I cannot stand this exposure. 

Denny. Now look here, Governor. I think you 
might listen a moment. What's the reason for this 
quarantine ? What have we done ? 

Harriet. "Kidnapping," I call it. . 

Mrs. Quigley. Just what it is, Harriet, kidnapping. 
(With sudden vehemence.) Bluebeard! 

Quigley. You're the worst gang of sports 

Mrs. Quigley. I'm sure . it was never one of m.y 
ambitions to be a sport. All I want is to be let alone in 
my garden at home. 

Belinda. It's punk sittin' up here on top of nothin'. 

Quigley. Where did Belinda get "punk," Miss Bled- 
soe ? 

Miss Bledsoe {jumping with surprise). Oh, my 
word! {Collecting herself.) I can't fancy where she 
picked it up. 

Hercules {dejectedly) . You've nothing to complain 
of. Just a book. If you were in my boots. Oh! {He 
groans.) 

■ [1+] , 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Belinda, Because Hercules is in love with . Lulu 
Mellen and she threw him over he thinks he's quite the 
speed, 

Hercules, It was all a mistake that I can easily 
explain, but I've got to see her pretty darned quick, for 
she sails on Tuesday, 

QuiGLEY, Silence, 

Mrs, Quigley, And all the time I'm catching my 
death of cold. 

Denny. I don't think you're treating us square, I 
ask you, what have we done ? 

Hercules. I may lose Lu forever on account of this 
nonsense, 

Quigley, Who's Lulu? 

Hercules. Why, Mr, Mellen's Lulu, of course, 

Quigley. Don't you dare call Mr. Mellen Lulu. 
He's a friend of mine, 

Hercules. I said Mr, Mellen's Lulu, his daughter 
Lulu. In meeting Lu in swimming down at the beach 
at Phalerum I seem to have met my Waterloo, 

Quigley. Now be quiet everyone, I brought you 
here and that should be enough, 

Harriet, You're right, quite enough, and you should 
allow us to return to Athens at once, 

Quigley. One week. Chubbockl {Chubhock comes 
forward.) 

Denny. One week of this? 

Mrs. Quigley. One week! I can^t, 

Petros- When you wish to talk you must speak to 
me. 

Harriet {who has been holding an indignation meeting 
with Denny)., Do you mean to say we aren't supposed to 

[15] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

talk unless we get permission of that? Ridjculoais 5 
Father, do you mean to say we've got to live according to 
Monastery rules? Well, I put my foot down. It's bad 
enough to be dragged away from Athens the night of the 
Court ball. 

Denny. It's the limit I And I had a match on tomor- 
row. 

QuiGLEY (to Petros), What do you mean by saying, 
we have to get permission to speak? 

Petros, No.. I do not say what I mean. When you 
wish to speak for something speak to me. I am the only 
one who knows the English. 

Chubbock, Yes, sir. {Quigley whispers in Chubr- 
bock*s ear. Chubbock goes unnoticed to the back to cut 
the rope.) 

QuiGLEY. Be quiet. 

GoLDiNA. Just because I told you I'm going to marry 
Jimmie Chard you abduct the whole family. 

QuiGLEY. Since you bring matters to a head, I'll say 
this, promise me to give this worthless Chard up and 
we'll go back to Athens tonight. 

Mrs. QuiGLEY {with sudden enthusiasin) . Oh, do, 
Goldina. Really, dear, it doesn't matter whom you marry 
as long as you get a quiet husband. And I have a feeling 
there isn't a single modern improvement in this place. 

Denny. Don't you do it, Goldina. You stick it out. 
Jimmie's a corker. 

Harriet. That's not fair. 

Belinda. I agree with mamma. It doesn^t matter 
whom you marry as long as you're comfortable and have 
got plenty of money. 

Denny. Governor, you're going at this all wrong. 

[16] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

You can't abduct your family in the twentieth century 
and get away with it. 

QuiGLEY. I won't hear another word from any of 
you, I'm keeping Goldina here until that good-for-nothing 
Jimmie Chard sails home. He leaves in one week. 

Goldina. Where did you get that idea? 

QuiGLEY, From your top bureau drawer. He has to 
begin washing out ink-wells on the twenty-third. After 
he is gone, and Greece is safe once more 

Goldina (interrupting). But why imprison the rest 
of the family? 

QuiGLEY. Because I don't want him to get any clues 
of your whereabouts. The of^er of this Monastery came 
just at the right moment. 

Harriet. Showing that you're afraid of him, 

QuiGLEY. And why not? When anyone is as tricky 
and unprincipled in gaining his ends as to cut a hole in a 
tin roof and extract a daughter and then attempt an 
elopement in an aeroplane, I say the only thing left for 
an honest father is to run. 

Denny. Do you call it honest to hide your family in 
a spot that's quite off the map ? 

QuiGLEY. I didn't ask for your opinion ■ 

Harriet, Father, will you or yvon't you take us back 
to Athens? This Monastery is perfectly absurd. 

Denny. Governor, you don't realize that I'm fifteen„ 

QuiGLEY. It's lucky you inform people. {Chubbock 
whispers in Ouigley's ear.) If you're going to Athens 
you'll have to jump for it. The rope is cut. {Everybody 
looks horrified and thunderstruck.) When I say we're 
up here to stay, I mean it. 

Mrs. QuiGLEY (sharply). Bluebeard! 

[17] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Harriet. Father, you're the limit. 
QuiGLEY. Now that I've cut myself off from civiliza- 
tion and Jimmie Chard, I can breathe again. 

Hercules. Heckl 

Belinda. What are we going to live on ? 

QuiGLEY. Quigley's Canned Goods. I sent three cases 
here. 

Denny. There'll be ten cases of starvation before the 
week's out. 

Harriet. I'm mad enough to bite. {Song by alh 
"Mad Enough to Bite/' with refrain, "And so am I, and 
so am I J and so am I, and I/') 

QuiGLEY. Ungrateful lot! 

Mrs. QuiGLEY. Bluebeard! 

QuiGLEY. Chubbock, serve tea. 

Mrs. QuiGLEY. Not for me, I'm too discouraged to 
budge. 

Goldina. I don't care for tea. 

Harriet. Tea! Huh! 

Belinda. I'd like some. We'll be eating shoes all too 
soon. 

QuiGLEY. How about you, Mr. Murphy-Jones? Do 
you feel in a teaish mood ? 

Murphy-Jones. I don't know but what I do feel 
like a — little — er (It rains.) 

Mrs. Quigley (hastily). Merciful heavens! More 
rain! (The family rush for convenient doorways.) I 
can catch pneumonia. There, it has stopped again — for 
all he cares. 

QuiGLEY. You're always boasting about your talent 
for catching pneumonia. 

[18] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Mrs, Quigley, Here I am standing with one foot 
in the grave 

Belinda, That's not a grave, mamma. That's the 
water trough, 

Mrs, Quigley, Horrors I I almost stepped in, (Con- 
tinuing seriously.) Here I am standing with one foot in 
the grave 

Quigley, You've been in that position so long one 
shoulder is higher than the other, 

Mrs. Quigley, I haven't even heard that last remark. 
As for my children, I have nothing to say about them, 

Quigley, Come now, I let you give 'em their middle 
names, and a crazier assortment I never knew, 

Mrs. Quigley. All of them, Greek heroes and heroines 
to offset the aunts and uncles on the Quigley side that 
they begin with. Where are our rooms? 

Denny {coming forward), I don't believe there arc 
any, I haven't seen anything that looked like a room 
since I have been here, 

Mrs. Quigley, You mean we have to sleep in the 
open air? 

Quigley. Petros said he had plenty of rooms. Here's 
his letter, 

Denny {looking at the letter incredulously, reads) ^ 
* 'Lovely apartments with Southern exposure," That's 
good, that is. ** Exposure," 

Quigley. Chubbock! 

Chubbock. Yes, sir, 

Quigley. Tell Petros I want to speak to him at 
once. 

Chubbock. Yes, sir, 

Mrs, Quigley. Where are our trunks? 

[19] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Chubbock. I haven't seen them, ma' m. 

QuiGLEY {savagely). Hurry up and get Petros. {Exit 
Chubbock.) 

Mrs. Quigley. Don't blame anyone but yourself. 
Yourself and that cheese, 

Quigley {instantly on the defensive) . What does 
"that cheese" signify? 

Mrs. Quigley. Parmesan cheese that Dr. Bumby 
warned you about in Italy. As a result you've lost your 
mind. 

Quigley. Kindly don't allude to that ridiculous 
creature, Dr. Bumby, again. Whoever heard of a devil 
in cheese? 

Mrs. Quigley. Why not? Dr. Bumby says there's 
no question that the devil that has been annoying you at 
night comes directly from Parmesan cheese and that he 
will continue to slide down the banisters of your mind 
and stick out his tongue at you until you give up Parmesan 
cheese. 

Quigley. Silliest rot I ever heard. My devilish 
dreams don't come from cheese, and even if they did I 
wouldn't give it up, because I like it. I only went to 
Bumby in the first place because I didn't consider green 
devils dignified. Bumby's nothing but a vet. And Bumby, 
because he didn't know what else to say, said "cheese." 
And you swallowed it. 

Mrs. Quigley. To the contrary. Dr. Bumby 

Quigley. Bumby! Bumby! Bumby! Don't you 
ever say that name again. 

Harriet. But you did eat the cheese. Papa. 

Quigley. Did and do. 

Harriet. And you do have green devils. 

[ 20 ] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY. I eat hash and have motor boats. You 
might as well say that eating hash produces motor boats. 

Mrs. Quigley. When I saw you heading for this 
Monastery through that wet rain all I said was, "Par- 
mesan cheese," just like that, didn't I, Harriet? 

Harriet. Yes, Mamma, you did, 

Petros {entering suddenly). Did you wish to speak 
to me? 

Quigley. Where are the rooms you wrote about? 
Produce them instantly, here and now. You wrote you 
had rooms with a Southern exposure. And now you tell 
me you haven t any. 

Petros. I have the rooms, but I cannot bring them 
out here as you command. Oh, I hate English. 

Quigley {mollified). In that case show me where 
they are. 

Petros {hastily pointing). They are through that 
door for the ladies. The library. Then the gentlemen 
have the refectory, which is down the passage to the 
South. While we live in the tower for the goats. 

Mrs. Quigley. Did I understand you to say only 
two rooms for the lot of us ? 

Petros. Why, yes. My brother put ten donkeys in 
his stable, and it is smaller by half. 
Mrs. Quigley. I don't see any door. 
Petros. There is no door. It fell down in 1613. 

Harriet. They sent for a carpenter and he isn't here 
yet ? 

Petros. No, he is not here — ^yet. There is a screen 
inside to keep the wind out of our necks. 

Mrs. Quigley. Draft! Hm. That will insure a 
[21] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

certain amount of privacy. Phew! How stuffy It is, 
and how damp and chilly. Where are the beds? 

Petros. They have not been made yet. 

Mrs. Quigley. Well, kindly hurry and have them 
made up directly and Lizzie will help you. 

Petros. There is no wood. 

Mrs. Quigley. Beds I said, not fire. 

Harriet. I think that he means that they aren't made 
at all. That there aren't any beds. 

Petros. No beds. Beds are no good. 

All. What! 

Denny. Where do you sleep? 

Petros. On the floor. On a rug if it is cold. We 
have three rugs. 

Mrs. Quigley. Well, Mr. Quigley, so I'm expected 
to sleep on a stone floor for one week? 

Denny. Don't worry, you won't sleep that long, 
Mamma. 

Mrs. Quigley. I refuse, I refuse. I won't stand it. 

Quigley. Well, what are you going to do about it? 

Mrs. Quigley. I don't know, but I sha'n't stand it. 

Quigley. I must confess I didn't expect it was going 
to be as primitive as this. But as long as we're here 

Mrs. Quigley. And just how long is that going to 
be, may I ask? 

Quigley {ignoring the question). As long as we're 
here let's just take it as a lark. {The family snort.) 
Think how much better this is than a shipwreck. 

Mrs. Quigley. A shipwreck would seem like heaven. 

Harriet. How old are the rugs? 

Petros {impressively). Not very old, two hundred 
years, perhaps. 

[22] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY. Be philosophical and make the best of it. 
Think what fun it will be to write home about it, 
Harriet, eh? 

Harriet, I have too much pride to write about tjiis. 

Mrs, Quigley {shivering). Well, I must change 
directly. Where are our trunks? 

Petros, They are in the library for the ladies. 

Mrs, Quigley, Now, Lizzie, get my thick fur coat 
from trunk marked B, and my heavy homespun walking 
suit from the bottom of C, and the high gaiters that I 
left in T, and some phenacetine and some quinine and 
some whiskey that you'll find in L. 

Quigley. Hold on, Theodosia, I forgot to tell you 
that you only have one trunk apiece. I had to cut down 
the trunks this morning. We're escaping, not a circus 
troupe, 

Harriet, What do you mean by one trunk? 

Mrs. Quigley, I can't possibly live in one trunk, 

Harriet, But do you realize. Mamma, we don't 
know which the "one trunk" is? It may be hats. Hats 
for a week! Each of my trunks contains a different 
department of my wardrobe. Well, I'm up against it, no 
matter what happens, 

Quigley. This will teach you not to put all your 
waists into one basket. 

Denny, Why on earth didn't you give us warning, so 
we could plan for it ? I bet you've brought my golf cups. 
Was it that brown box? 

Quigley. Yes, Brown, with two straps. 

Denny. That's nice. One week in a golf cup. It's 
lucky I don't have to shave much. 

[23] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Harriet. No matter what happens, some part of me 
has got to shiver. 

QuiGLEY. Now, don't be so cranky. You do nothing 
but complain all the time. 

Mrs. Quigley. Well, I intend to know the worst at 
once. 

Harriet. I'm with you, Mamma. 

Hercules. I've simply got to invent us out of here. 
{He goes to the back and is lost in heavy thought,) 

Petros. I'm afraid there was an accident. 

Mrs. Quigley. Nothing could excite me now. 

Petros. There are only two trunks. The rest of 
them fell into the cataract, over the bridge. Too bad ! 

Mrs. Quigley. Merciful heavens 1 Is there no limit 
to things ? 

Harriet. Gee! 

Denny. This is the nicest little week-end party I 
ever struck. 

Mrs. QuiGi^EY {hollowly). Into the cataract. 

Denny. We certainly got in wrong today. 

Petros. But they got out again. Oh, yes. 

Quigley. Where are they, then ? 

Petros. They have gone back to Larissa. 

Mrs. Quigley. The trunks ? 

Petros. No, the mule and Tomaiki. The trunks 
were drowned. 

Mrs. Quigley. This is a nightmare. Pinch me, 
someone, so that I can wake. {Belinda obliges her.) 
Ow! Belinda, what are you doing? 

Belinda. Accepting your invitation, Mamma, on a 
pinch. 

[24] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QxJiGLEY. Brace up, everyone. Never saw^ people 
make so much of nothing. Just because we've lost our 
camping outfit, 

Mrs, Quigley, My advice is to leap over that para- 
pet and end matters once and for -alL 

Murphy- Jones. Why don't you see w^hat trunks are 
-here? 

GOLDINA {who has been sitting in indifferent silence). 
The Lady from Phila<lelphla speaks, 

QuKiLEY. Very good suggestion, Pointell! 

Mrs. Quicley. Come, Harriet and Goldina, and 
learn our fate. {Exeunt the three, f allow eJ by Belinda, 
.Denny arul Lizzie^) 

Murphy-Jones. I think Fll go along, too, {Exit.) 

Quigley. Why are you crying. Miss Bledsoe? 

Miss Bledsoe. Please, sir, there's nothing else to do, 
sir, 

Chubbock {who in the meantime has laid out the tea 
things on the floor at back). Tea is servexl, sir, {Re-enter 
Mrs, Quigley and the others.) 

Mrs, Quigley, Agamemnon's golf cups in one, and 
the fancy dress costumes w^e wore at the masquerade ball 
m Nice in the other, and not a postage stamp's warmth 
in any of them, ( Weeping. ) But even so, it^'s better to be 
dressed as a Yama Yama than in these dripping clothes. 

Quigley. That's too bad. 

Mrs. Quigley, Petros, will you kindly turn on some 
heat? 

Petros, Heat? On a cold day? That is impossible-. 

Harriet. Well, what do you do when it^s cold? 

Petros. Shiver, and walk around very fast until we 
are warm. But it is not cold today. 

I 25 J 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Mrs. Quigley. If you had on a sopping wet skirt 
perhaps you would think it was cold. I never knew such 
an unnecessary man. 

Belinda {in the preserves), Oh^ I'm all jam. (To 
Petros.) Where can I wash? 

Petros (pointing). The only water is there. 

Mrs. Quigley. What? We have to bathe in that.^ 

Petros. No, you do not have to. 

Quigley. Will you get some chairs. Father Petros? 

Petros. We have no chairs. In the Russian Church 
there are no seats. 

Quigley (eating ravenously). Well, then, sit down 
all. Tea is served. 

Mrs. Quigley. Where? 

Quigley. On the ground. Draw ,up and sit down. 
I should say draw down and sit up. I'm enjoying this. 
Theodosia, sit Turkish fashion. 

Mrs. Quigley (loftily). I have not a Turkish build 
and I decline. 

Quigley. Goldina. 

GoLDiNA. I don't care for tea, thanks. 

Quigley. 'Twill warm you up. 

Goldina. I'm hot enough already, Papa. 

Harriet. I don't care for any, either. 

Quigley. Any what ? 

Harriet. Either. 

Mrs. Quigley. I suppose we better take something, 
children. No use dying just to please your bandit father. 
And then we can retire behind the screen and put on 
some warm fancy dress costumes. I don't mean warm, I 
mean dry. A dry shiver is better than a damp chatter. 
Lower me to the table, Chubbock. (Chubbock, with a 

[26] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

""Yes J mdamr proceeds to do soS) Goldlna, you pour for 
us, dear, my nerves are too shaky, 

QuiGLEY {sprinkling some Parmesan cheese on some 
biscuit). Ah, this cheese is good, 

Petros {after speaking to a monk), I have sent 
for a table and two chairs of the Monastery already. 
Ihey came to me very suddenly, — in my mind. They 
were in the goat tow^r, and I ha-d forgot them for twenty- 
three years, 

Mrs, Quigley, Owl Lift me, I have a kink in 
my Oh, quick, Chubbock! 

Chubbock, Yes, ma'am, {He lifts her,) 

Petros, Now, if you will excuse us, we will go to the 
chapel. Is there anything you wiant ? Here are the table 
and the chairs, {Enter monks with table and chairs which 
ihey put down.) 

Harriet, No, w« have everything we want, 
Mrs, Quigley, This tea is stone cold. 
Chubbock, It w?iS thermosed, ma'am, (// rains,) 
Mrs. Quigley {rushing to the door). Ohi This is 
too much ! ( 2' he rest follow her into the doorway j and 
the whole crowd feebly groan. The rain stops,) 

QviGLEY {suddenly). Wait! Wait! {JU turn indig- 
nantly.) 

Mrs. Quigley. Can't I even get out of the rain? 

Denny. YouVe rotten to Mater. She wants to 
change her clothies. The Mater's sopping wet, 

Quigley {rushing over and picking up the shoe thai 
Chard had thrown). Look! Look! It is a shoe, 

Denny. Marvellous! 

Mrs. Quigley. But we never said it wasn't, 

Har^riet, Parmesan cheese again. 

127] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY. Goldina, it is a white shoe. 

Denny. I tell you the Governor is outdoing him- 
self. {Goldina s face fills with hope,) 

QuiGLEY. I shall find the owner of that shoe, and 
I shall give it to him, 

Goldina, It may be a monk, 

QuiGLEY. With New York inside? {He points.) 
You've been playing with me, Goldina. Wait till I get 
hold of Petros. {Exit,) 

Goldina. Father, you're ridiculous. Just because it's 
a white shoe you think it's Jimmie. 

Mrs. QuiGLEY, This is all the fault of that wretched 
cheese. Come, Lizzie, {Exeunt,) 

Harriet. Denny, let's see the row. 

Denny. Looks as though the Governor would need a 
referee. {Exit.) {Chubbock follows.) 

Belinda. I'm going to be in this too, {Exit.) 

Miss Bledsoe. My head is throbbing fearfully. {She 
follows Mrs. Quigley into the library.) 

Hercules. I might fish for that rope with my wire- 
less wire. {He becomes more absorbed than ever at the 
back. Goldina is left alone.) {Suddenly enter Jimmie 
with his cowl thrown back.) 

Jimmie. Cassandra ! 

Goldina {turning delightedly). Jimmie! {Pointing 
at his bare feet.) So it was your shoe. 

Jimmie. Yes. I'm the Cindereller feller and your 
father's after me with the slipper. {Song, "The Cinder- 
eller Feller.") Wasn't it the darndest luck to have that 
biplane go back on me just as we left the hotel roof? 

Goldina. I don't know how you ever thought of it 
all. When Father locked me in on the top floor of the 

[28] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

stupid Hotel Des Etrangers, oh, Jimmie, I wah bored! 
And then when you cut a hole in the roof and extracted 
me like an olive from a bottle, oh, I never w^as so glad. 

Jimmie. And then to have the biplane get out of order 
just as we left the roof, I thought I was buying a good 
biplane and it came nearer being a plain good-bye. But 
did it jar you much, Cassie, dear, when you reached the* 
ground ? 

GoLDiNA, No, because I Landed in a bush, a sort of 
bamboo thing, close beside Papa, and it didn't hurt a bit. 
He was eating his everlasting Parmesan cheese and snooz- 
ing. 

Jimmie. Must have surprised him to have you drop 
in on him so informally. 

GoLDiNA, I think it did, for he remarked, "Jumping 
Jehoshaphat!" and I said, "No, Papa, it's I!" All I could 
think of, though, was you, Jimmie, You looked so help- 
less among the poppies, 

Jimmie, I suppose I was stunned, and wasn't it foolish 
of me ? 

GoLDiNA. I dashed some coffee in your face to bring 
3^0 u to 

Jimmie. Oh, that was it, I thought I'd landed in a 
demitasse, 

GoLDiNA, Papa was simply furious. He dragged me 
through the hotel and out the front door, plumped me 
into a hack and before I could realize what happened we 
were flying through the streets of Athens. But what did 
you do, Jimmie, and how did you find me? I was so 
worried about you, for you see w:hen I left you were 
unconscious, all but your foot., that wiggled among the 
popples. It seemed like a good-bye, so I knew you must 
be alive, and yet, frogs' legs will twitch long after they are 
dead. 

129] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE, Thank you, 

GoLDiNA, But how did you find me? 

JiMMiE, Well, I rushed around madly like a wet hen 
without a head^ went down to the Piraeus; searched the 
Constantinople steamer, and finally returned to Athens; 
went to the hotel and got a message and a bill. The 
message was a Yein yein billet-doux from your father, 
telephoned over from, the Inn you stayed in last night. 
I found out by tipping the telephone girl over the wire. 
The message said, "Give it up once and for all. When 
you get this tomorrow we'll be gone today. Pray C. 
Quigley." The bill was for the hole in the roof. 

GoLDiNA. Let me give you the hole for a birthday 
present. I know you are strapped, Jimmie. Biplanes are 
expensive ! 

Jimmie, It's all right, I paid for the hole. Thanks 
all the same. Then I got a Larissa time-table. 

GoLDiNA. What's that? 

Jimmie. That's the place you stayed in last night. 

GoLDiNA. Oh, was it? I didn't ask. 

Jimmie. Well, I went into a moving picture show to 
wait for my train {suddenly) and that's where I saw 
that old rascal before. 

GoLDiNA. Whom? 

Jimmie. Petros. He was the bandit, Hadji Stavros, 
who jiggled through thrilling adventures in the Athens 
Nickelodeon. 

GoLDiNA. You mean really? 

Jimmie. No. I was trying to think where I had seen 
his face before, that's all. Funny, but he's the spitting 
image of him. Well, when I got to Larissa at twelve 
fifteen, what do you suppose I saw in the street? 

[30 J 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDINA {.breathlessly)^ What J 

JiMMiE. A cart with six trunks and a donkey, three 
cases of Quigley's Canned Goods and a box of Parmesan 
cheese, 

GOLDIN A, Well ? 

JiMMiE. The rest is easy. When I saw that cheese 
I said, ''Mr. Quigley," So I got onto the cart and came 
along, I found I was ahead of you people, but you almost 
caught up, as the donkey and the boy and the cart absent- 
raindedly went over a bridge, 

GoLDiNA, But what about you, Jimmie? 

JiMMlE. I omitted to go over the bridge. Well, I 
£?hed out the donkey and the boy and the cheese and two 
tiunks, dusted them oflF and sent them on ahead, while 
1 tried to locate the rest of the stuff and my Tyrolean hat, 
I got the hat, but not the trunks. Last I saw of them 
they were floating off down stream — regular swimming 
trunks, they were, 

GoLDiNA. Aren^t you wonderful? 

Jimmie, I tell you it will tak« more than Mr, 
Quigley to keep us apart. ^{Enter Quigley with a shoe 
'(ind the others,) 

Quigley, It will, will it? So I was right, this is 
your shoe, 

Jimmie. Oh, thank you so much, 

Quigley, I'm tired of being hounded. I shall put 
the law on you since you won't take a hint. 

Harriet. I hope you don't call this Monastery a hint. 

Jimmie. Did you see my other shoe, Mr. Quigley? 
If you don't mind I'd like that, too. As long as I'm dis- 
covered, I might as well dress. You^ll be interested to 
know that these rocks are dreadfully hard on the feet^ 

1311 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Thank you. {He takes the shoe from Mr. Quigley's 
astonished hand.) {He puts on the shoe.) I shouldn't 
be surprised if I chucked the other over the precipice 
by mistake. You see I undressed in rather of a hurry. 
{Looking over the cliff.) Hello, what do you suppose? 
It landed plump in a screech owl's nest. But it seems to 
have shoed the bird away. 

QuiGLEY. Are you ever serious? Chubbockl Why 
don't you answer when I call. 

Chubbock {entering hastily). I can't answer till I'm 
'ere, sir. 

QuiGLEY. Get Petros. 

Chubbock. I say, Mr. Petros, you're wanted 'ere 
jolly well quick. {Enter Petros in a most woebegone 
state.) 

Petros. Yes, Mr. Quigley, I am sorry. But he told 
me it would please you, and make you laugh for him to 
be a monk. 

QuiGLEY. I understand. It wasn't your fault. I 
want a tower quick. 

Petros. A tower? 

QuiGLEY. To lock my daughter in. 

Petros. I have a tower. It is little, but strong. It 
goes over the cliff with an iron lock. 

QuiGLEY. Just the thing, and I want the rope fixed. 

Harriet {joyfully) . So we can go back to Athens? 

QuiGLEY. No. So Chard can go back to Athens. 

JiMMiE. Do you mean to say you're going to put 
Cassandra in a dungeon? 

QuiGLEY. And Chubbock shall stand on guard with 
u gun, unless you'll promise to leave Goldina alone until 
the rope's fixed. Chubbock and a few monks will be 
able to handle you. 

(321 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Denny. Look here, Governor, that's going too far. 
To put a servant over your (laughter. 

GoLDiNA. Lock me up. 

JiMMiE. You're not going to humiliate her like that, 
Mr. Quigley. I w^on't go near her, I promise, this 
evening. But I give you fair warning, I intend to marry 
her yet. 

Quigley. Chubbock, conduct her to the tower. 

Denny. And off with her head. Why don't you say 
that? 

JiMMlE. Look here, Mr. Quigley, you said you'd cut 
out this tower if I promised to leave Goldina alone. 

Quigley. I was talking about Chubbock and the gun. 
She's going to the tower anyway for disobedience. Chub- 
bock and Petros, show this undutiful child of mine the 
way. And then, Chubbock, tell Miss Bledsoe to go in 
and stay with her. {He retires to the back.) 

Goldina. Oh! {Walking disdainfully away.) 

Belinda. Dad reminds me of Queen Elizabeth with 
Mary, Queen of Scots. 

Jimmie. Take this bath robe, Cassandra. {He 
hastily gives her his monk's robe.) I don't want you to 
catch your death of cold. Luckily it's a clean one. 

Goldina. Thank you, Jimmie, but what about you? 

Jimmie. Oh, I'm all right. I'm used to it. Good 
night. {Exeunt Goldina with Chubbock.) 

Goldina {wistfully) . Good night, Jimmie. 

Denny. In behalf of the sane members of the family 
I apologize for the Governor's behavior. We're awfully 
ashamed. 

Jimmie. Thank you ever so much. 

[ 33 ] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Harriet. Come in and let us give you something dry 
to put on. We've got a Tyrolean peasant that w^ill be 
most becoming to you. 

JiMMiE. 1 hanks aw^fully. 

Harriet. Come on, Denny. We'll give the Greek 
shirt to Jones. {Exeunt.) 

QuiGLEY {who has been pacing up and down at the 
back). There! I think I've settled matters for the 
present. He's a persistent beggar. How^ did he ever find 
us? I'd like to see the working of his brain. I don't 
understand him. {He yawns.) This has been a tiresome 
day. Lizzie, Lizzie! {No answer. Louder.) Lizzie! 
{Lizzie entering hastily from L. L.) 

Lizzie. Mrs. Quigley says, "What is it nov^^?" sir. 

QuiGLEY {seating himself by the table). Get me some 
more crackers — and Parmesan cheese. They're in the tea 
basket, and Chubbock's in the tow^er. 

Lizzie. But I've left Mrs. Quigley, only half hooked, 
sir. She tried to put on one of them "What ho" shepherd 
dresses, but it vi^ouldn't hook. But she got the Spanish 
Gypsy to go around her. 

Quigley. The cheese is by the tea basket. Oh, I'm 
sleepy. 

Lizzie {handing him the cheese and biscuit). How^- 
ever can you like it, sir? 

Quigley. Like it? This cheese is the very breath of 
life to me. I dream of it, Lizzie. 

Lizzie. So I've heard, sir! All about green devils. 

Quigley. My family discuss my private affairs, then. 

Lizzie. O, sir! Are devils your private affairs? Homt 
terrible, sir! 

Quigley. Not at all! But my devils don't come 
from cheese. 

[34] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Lizzie {aghast). Just natural, sir? O, sir! 

Mrs. Quigley {from within), Lizzie, Lizzie! 

Lizzie. There, sir. May I go? She's waiting for 
me to hook her up. 

Quigley {yawning heavily). Yes, you may go. {Exit 
Lizzie,) {Mr. Quigley gradually nods off. The stage 
grows darker and darker until it is quite black. Then 
there is a flash of light and the stage is bright again. 
Opposite Mr. Quigley at the table a green devil is seated. 
He is slight and is dressed in soft green silk tights with a 
green cloak that flutters behind him as he walks. He has 
light hair and wears a small cap with a red feather stuck 
jauntily on the side of his head. Although he is slight, 
his personality has the intense electrical vibrancy of a live 
wire.) Bless my soul! Here you are again. 

Devil {in a rapid, intense tone). Yes, here I am 
again. Worse luck! 

Quigley. Am I asleep? You seem more real than 
you generally do. 

Devil. Of course I'm more real. This is the eighty- 
first day, 

Quigley, Eighty-first day? 

Devil, This is the eighty-first consecutive day that 
you've eaten Parmesan cheese. Now, I've had enough 
of it if you haven't! 

Quigley. What's the eighty-first day got to do with 
it? 

Devil {scornfully), I might know youM ask that, 
being nothing but a Wop. I can speak on the eighty-first 
day, that's all, by the terms of the original bet. 

Quigley. Bet? 

Devil {snapping an imaginary fly off his knee). 
Between the Lady of Cheese and me. 

[35] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY. Cheese ! 

Devil. You have a very disagreeable habit of repeat- 
ing. 

QuiGLEY. Are you really connected with cheese ? 

Devil. I blush to say, *'Yes." 

QuiGLEY. So Bumby was right. '*The Devil in the 
Cheese." 

Devil {crustily). That's not very tactful of you! "The 
Devil in the Cheese." I assure you the whole affair is 
extremely humiliating to me. Oh, very! How would 
you like to have me say that you've thought cheese, 
breathed cheese, lived cheese so long that you're nothing 
but a cheese yourself? It's true, but not tactful,, and 
that's the reason I don't say it. 

QuiGLEY. How dare you talk to me like that, you 
little imp? ( The devil hisses sharply at him, and Quigley 
cringes as though getting electrical shocks.) Stop! Stop! 
Oh, my back! Oh, my sides! 

Devil. Perhaps you'll be more respectful in the future. 

QuiGLEY. What was it? What was it? 

Devil. It was just a little way I have when a human 
being needs a lesson. No use explaining. You wouldn't 
understand. Call it indigestion if you like, or put it down 
to gout. That's what most people do. 

QuiGLEY. I should like to know. 

Devil. Tush! I haven't time to converse as I have 
three thousand things to do in the next ten minutes. I 
came to see you on a matter of business. I want to 
politely ask you never to touch Parmesan cheese again. 

QuiGLEY. Will you hiss me if I refuse? 

Devil. Unfortunately, I can't,, according to the terms 
of that outrageous bet. I can only resort to persuasion 
But, by the bye, did you apologize for your falsehood? 

[36] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY (hastily). No, but I do apologize. What 
falsehood ? 

Devil. About my being an imp. {In a tone as 
though he thought the implication totally preposterous.) 
Well! I really don't know what my friends in the Land 
of the Fourth Dimension would say. 

QuiGLEY. "Fourth Dimension." What's that? 

Devil. Do you know anything? {He yawns.) Oh, 
you bore me. I really think you're quite the dullest 
mortal I ever met, and that is saying a great deal. Not 
a bit of use telling you about the Fourth Dimension, for 
you couldn't understand. 

QuiGLEY. There's no such thing as a Fourth Dimen- 
sion. Things have height, breadth, and depth. That's 
all that there's room for. 

Devil {folding his arms complacently and looking at 
him). What about me? I've neither height, breadth, 
nor depth according to your standards, and yet I am. You 
could put your hand right through me and you'd find 
nothing here, and yet I am. How do you explain that, 
stupid, unless it is that I exist in the Fourth Dimension? 
You're in the Fourth Dimension, too, at present, because 
you're asleep. I'm afraid that you've never used your 
mind in the least. 

QuiGLEY. Don't understand a word you sai<l. Who 
are you? 

Devil. No use telling you. It wouldn't do any 
good. You're such a silly ass. If I said that Courage 
was my uncle on my mother's side you'd laugh, but it's 
true, and I'm supposed to be rather like him. If I told 
you that my mother was Happiness and that Conscience 
was my father, what would you say to that? 

QuiGLEY. I should say that for a son of Happiness 
you're a pretty gloomy specimen. 

[37] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Devil. Well, who wouldn't be gloomy who had to 
dance attendance on you every time you took cheese? 
Why, the way I've had to neglect my regular business 
is enough to make a Dodo weep. 

QuiGLEY. You are an impostor, you are. If you 
amounted to anything in the Spirit world you wouldn't 
be connected with cheese. {The Devil hisses.) I 
apologize. Stop itl I beg your pardon. 

Devil. Don't provoke me, or I won't answer for 
the consequences. As I told you, this Parmesan cheese 
has been a very bitter pill for me, and it was all on 
account of a bet. My real business, and here is my card, 
is Inspector of Day Dreams. 

Quigley. What does it mean ? 

Devil (tartly). It means what it says. I'm a sort of 
Dramatic Critic for the plays of thought that go on in 
people's heads. We spirits of the Fourth D. all do some 
kind of charity work for the silly oafs called mortals, so I 
was appointed Inspector of Day Dreams, by my aunt. 
Wisdom, who is mother's twin sister. You see I judge 
people's random thoughts, and if they're interesting and 
full of fresh ideas, I report it to my mother, Happiness. 
Then she goes to see them along with my father. 
Conscience, for they both love a good show in the even- 
ing, and since my mother will never go anywhere without 
my father, I know enough to pick out plays that will 
appeal to both. So unless I recommend a head, that head 
will never know Happiness. You'd be surprised to see 
how many heads contain nothing but rot. 

Quigley. Conscience and Happiness don't go together. 
They fight. 

Devil (furiously). Don't you insult my family. My 
father and mother never fight. It's too bad that there's 
all this gossip about them. Most mortals think that 

[38] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Conscience and Happiness don't get along well, but it is 
if. malicious falsehood, I know who's to blarae for it, 
though, 

QuiGLEY (frightened at the vehemence of the Devil's 
tone), I beg your pardon, I'd no idea that 

Devil, I am a bit touchy about it, I'll confess. It's 
all the fault of that silly, dowdy, old frump, called For- 
getfulness, the Lady of Late Hours and White Lights, 
She tries to pass herself off as my mother, just so that 
people will invite her out, and then the poor, stupid 
mortals think they've been having Happiness for the even- 
ing, instead of which, all they had was dull, dreary Late 
Hours and White Lights, My father's furious about it. 
He and Forgetfulness don't even bow when they pass. 

QuiGLEY. You mean you can actually tell what goes 
on in people's heads? 

Devil, Yes, being in the Fourth Dimension, I go into 
the head, sit in the stage box, and listen, {Angrily.) 
That's what I should be doing now, if it wasn't for you, 
for sundown is just Day Dream time, and I have your 
daughter's head, and Jimmie Chard's head and Mrs. 
Quigley's head and all the monks' heads to inspect before 
1 go to China at nine. I'm so behindhand on account 
of you I never expect to catch up. 

QuiGLEY. I didn't ask you to come. You don't need 
to stay on account of me. 

Devil. Unfortunately, thirteen hundred years ago in 
your time, one quadrillionth of a zip in ours, an unfortu* 
nate affair took place. The Lady of Cheese showed me — 
she is a pushing creature, I can tell you, with no delicacy 
of feeling, who is forever trying to get into the Virtue 
set — a new sample of cheese. I took a sniff, just one 
sniff, and by way of being particularly bright, said, "If 
anyone will ever touch this stuff for thirty days runnings 

[391 



t 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

I'll make myself its slave and be the Devil in the Cheese." 
I thought I'd made a jest; instead, it was my death 
warrant. 

QuiGLEY. I don't understand. 

Devil. Well, the Lady of Cheese took me up. She 
was so boastful and confident that I lost my head, — made 
all sorts of absurd agreements. You can guess the sequel. 

QuiGLEY. I'll stop eating this cheese on one condition. 
Devil {eagerly). Name it. 

QuiGLEY. That you take me through my daughter's 
head and Jimmic Chard's head now. I want to see what's 
in 'em. 

Devil {with finality). Impossible. Quite impossible. 

QuiGLEY. Why is it? You said I was in the Fourth 
Dimension because I am asleep, therefore, I've neither 
height, width, nor depth, and can get into their heads 
perfectly well if you'll show me the way. 

Devil. You're not such a silly ass, after all. 

QuiGLEY. I'll swear to give up cheese in all forms. 

Devil. No. It is a tempting oflFef, but — Gad! It's 
a tempting offer. 

QuiGLEY. Suppose, in addition, I promise to absorb 
the Parmesan cheese market, put a corner on cheese, as 
it were,, and then charge such prohibitive prices that no 
one can afford to buy it thirty days running? 

Devil. That's what I call an ofiEer, and yet 

QuiGLEY. Will you? Will you? I'm in earnest. I 
can afford it. 

Devil. Sh! Sh! I'm thinking. 'Twould be doing 
Jimmie and Goldina a good turn for they've got awfully 
nice heads. {Suddenly.) You solemnly promise to fulfil 
your part of the compact? 

[40 ] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY. I solemnly promise. I'm in a daredevil 
mood tonight and I'm out for adventure. 

Devil. Done, then! Your hand. {They shake.) Don't 
forget, if you break your promise you'll find you've sold 
yourself to the Devil in the Cheese. 



CURTAIN, 



[41] 



ACT 11. 

In Goldinas head. There are heavy black curtains sur- 
rounding the stage and the light is dim. Enter the Devil 
at L. R, He is followed by Mr, Quigley, The latter 
is covered with a long, dark cloak. 

Devil. Sh! Whatever you do, don't make a sound, 
or it will put an end to the play of thought which I 
think is about to begin. The curtains, you see, are twitch- 
ing. 

Quigley {awed). Where are we? 

Devil. Inside Goldina's head, of course. 

Quigley. It's not my idea of a head. Where are 
the teeth and where are the brains? 

Devil. What did you expect? That it would look 
like a cemetery with tombstones about, all shrouded in 
gray matter? Not at all. You forget, we're in the 
Fourth Dimension, and are inside the theatre of thought, 
in Goldina's head ; but mind what I say and make no 
noise. You see, if it were found out that I brought you 
here I don't know what the rest of the Virtues would 
say, for it is a bit irregular. Now sit out of sight, on 
the side, so that when the thoughts begin to act they 
won't notice you. I assure you if you caught their eye, 

[43] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

wop! all would be off for the night. Most awfully off. 
{Looking at him doubtfully with one eye closed.) That 
cloak of dark mist I gave you may do the trick. I hope 
so, for this whole proceeding is a bit irregular. 

QuiGLEY. Do you mean to say. that it's going to be 
just like a play? 

Devil {sharply). Hold tight I {The curtains about 
the stage jerk frantically.) Put your feet wide apart and 
the headquake will soon be over. 

QuiGLEY. What happened? 

Devil. Be quiet, or I'll hissl {They stand motion- 
less for a moment until the movement of the curtain sub- 
sides. ) 

Devil {wiping beads of perspiration off his brow). My I 
That was a narrow escape! Did you hear me say "Be 
quiet"? What did you mean by it? 

QuiGLEY {whispering). What happened? 

Devil. You happened ! You spoke with that woppish 
voice of yours and of course Goldina heard you and 
promptly had a headquake. You mortals call it head- 
ache. You see you haven't got the cue to the true situa- 
tion. That's a joke, and as jokes go, not bad. But for 
mercy's sake, don't laugh. There'd be an explosion, and I 
doubt if we should any of us survive. Goldina would 
certainly have concussion of the brain and you and I 
would be knocked into the Fifth Dimension, of which 
the less said the better. 

QuiGLEY. How can you talk when I can't? 

Devil. Sh! You're too loud. I'm allowed to. That's 
why. You see I have an invisible voice. You only hear 
me now, because I let you. 

QuiGLEY. How's that? 

[44] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Devil. No use explaining. Be quiet. There, the 
curtain's going up. Goldina is probably alone in her 
tower and so is beginning to daydream. 

QuiGLEY. Who's in the play? 

Devil. There, you've stopped her again. I think, 
without doubt, you're the most horrible creature I ever 
met. You say, "Who's in the play?" You're in the 
play, for one, I fancy, and you mustn't act peeved if you 
don't like yourself. I don't imagine, under the circum- 
stances, it will be particularly complimentary. Remember, 
everything you see is from her point of view, and the 
play is performed by the company of her imagination. 
You'll probably look like a great., fat, pink cabbage. Do 
you care to stay? 

QuiGLEY. Yes, I'll see the thing through. 

Devil. You'll have to, if you see it at all, for I 
sha'n't have you leaving In the middle and disturbing 
everything. ( The curtains separate and a plain white 
walled room is disclosed. There are no doors or win- 
dows or any kind of furnishing. An attractive refrain 
is heard from some invisible medium.) 

Devil. That music is the music of her mind. It 
always comes when people are in love, and my mother, 
Happiness, could listen to it by the hour, with her eyes 
closed. There, do you see that rosy light? That's love 
again. {Suddenly from the wall at back a sink appears, 
while almost instantly a stove comes out of the wall at 
U.L.) 

Devil. Get away back, out of sight. {Quigley retires 
entirely from sight of the audience.) 

Devil {continuing) . It looks to me as though it were 
going to turn into a kitchen in a Harlem flat. {A dresser 
with plates appears at U. R. and over it a kitchen clock. 

145] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Quigley's voice.) What's happening to the place? It 
gives me the rickets, with its wash-tubs and clocks com- 
ing out of the wall. 

Devil. That's a sink, not a wash-tub. But there, 
you've gone and talked again and interrupted a table 
half-way up. {A table had begun to appear through the 
floor. The table continues to rise until it reaches its 
proper height.) Goldina is furnishing the room in her 
own mind, that's all. Look, there comes the door. {A 
door appears at U. R.) And see,, she's got glass door- 
knobs. Just like a woman. {Pointing towards L. R.) 
Another door. That leads out into the pantry, I fancy. 
There'll be more doors before we're through. A woman's 
rriind is always full of closets. ( Two chairs come out 
from underneath the table, then a telephone appears on 
the wall below the door at U. R. Two windows appear 
at back and a door at U. L. The bell rin\gs and Goldina 
inters. She is charjningly dressed in a simple cooking 
costume with immaculate apron.) Goldina is now imagin- 
mg herself in her Harlem flat. 

Goldina {taking down the receiver and talking into 
the telephone). Hello, hello — yes, this is Mrs. Chard. 
Yes, Mrs. Chard. {She puts unconscious emphasis on the 
Mrs.) Oh, is that you, Harriet? Yes, we're just get- 
ting settled in our little apartment, Jimmie and I. Oh, 
it's away uptown, my dear, in the wild and woolly Bronx. 
No— Jirtimie's at the office. Oh — splendidly — he washes 
out inkwells — twenty per. Why don't you come over 
and see me? Of course, Harriet, it's a tiny apartment. 
.We haven't a cent, so I do all the cooking. Father's 
terribly angry. I haven't seen him yet. I expect we'll 
have dozens' of scenes. But there was nothing else I 
could do, was there? I think you'll like the apartment. 
It's; piprfectly tiny. We have a drawing room and a 
library, a small conservatory, which I take care of myself, 

[46] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Jind a billiard room for Jimmie and a den, with all his 
college pictures and things, and a duck of a kitchen, and 
{she pauses) I have a premonition that Father^s in the 
hall, and that he's come to separate Jimmie and me, 
{With a patronizing laugh,) Poor Father, Good-bye, 
{She hangs up the receiver.) (The door-bell rings.) 
GoLDiNA {opening the door). Cotne in, Father, {Enter 
Mr. Quigley. He looks like a caricature of himself. He is 
thinner and all the hard lines of his face are accentuated. 
A mulish gloom pervades his personality, tinged with an 
adamantine sternness,) 

Devil [as though speaking to the real Quigley).. What- 
lever you do, don^t snort. I told you you wouldn't like 
yourself. Just be calm. 

Quigley (his voice hard and metallic and his A's 
fatter than ever) . So I have found you, at last, Goldina, 
hiding in a hole in Harlem. 

Goldina (proudly). Yes, Father. (Song, ''Hiding 
in a Hole in Harlem.") 

Quigley. Hml Married and made a perfect fool of 
yourself. 

Goldina. Won't you sit down? The drawing room 
isn't done yet. We've only just moved in. 

Quigley. We? How dare you say "We" to me? 
Goldina. Jimmie and I, then. My husband and I. 
(Quigley snorts.) Father, I was awfully sorry to leave 
home, but what was I to do? Of course I miss my dogs 
and my horses and the family and the country, but you 
s'^e, Jimmie's everything to me — well, there was nothing 
else to be done, so I did it. 

Quigley. I came to tell you once and for all I wash 
my hands of you. I have no intention of supporting you — 
Goldina. No,, because Jimmie has no intention of 
letting you, 

1471 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY. What'll you live on? 

GoLDiNA. Twenty per. 

QuiGLEY, Thunderation I Do you suppose he on 
support you on twenty per when I couldn't on twenty 
thousand ? 

GoLDiNA. He can give me everything I want on 
twenty per. 

Mr. Quigley. He must be a wonderful office boy. 

GoLDlNA {enthusiastically). He is. They say they've 
never had anyone who could wash out inkwells so well- 
He has a touch. He practices on the dishes every night, 

Quigley. Will you explain how he can give you 
everything you want on twenty per? 

GoLDiNA. Well, to begin with, Jimmie's everything 
I want, and secondly, I do the cooking, thirdly, we have 
a small flat, fourthly, we hardly ever go out, because we 
both like it home so much better, fifthly, I economize on 
hats and Jimmie on cigars, sixthly, I darn the socks. 

Quigley. Goldina, I didn't think you had so much 
in you. 

Goldina. You mean, you'll forgive us? 

Quigley. No. I was talking of you, not Jimmie, 
and until you leave him you need never darken my doors 
again. 

Goldina. Good-bye, then. Papa. Some day you 
will come and beg Jimmie's pardon, when he is governor 
and you are penniless. 

Quigley. Thunderation! {He pauses.) Here comes 
your mother, I'll wait downstairs in my new six-cylinder. 
I don't like tenements. Come in, Theodosia. ( Through 
the open door.) She was quite unfilial, she didn't listen 
to any of my arguments. Just say good-bye to her and 
we'll go home. {Enter Mrs. Quigley. She is dressed in 

[48] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

black and see?ns to be in *-the most advanced stages of 
valetudinarianism.) 

Mrs. Quigley. O, Goldina, you are so thoughtless, 
and so selfish. Believe me, dear, it doesn't matter whom 
you marry as long as 

Quigley {interrupting) . Every cent I have shall go 
to Belinda. 

Mrs. Quigley. You mean I w^on't get my thirds? 
What have I done? 

Quigley. Come, come. Thunderation ! I w^asn't 
thinking of you. Now don't be long, because we're going 
down to the country tonight. I'll wait in the motor. 
{Exit Mr. Quigley.) 

Goldina {calling after her father) . Good-bye. (No 
answer.) 

Mrs. Quigley. O, Goldina, how could you? Oh, 
how could you? I must sit down. I have had iritis 
terribly and haven't slept one wink in the last two months, 
and your father has been even worse than the iritis. He 
makes me live on the roof to remind him of Greece. We 
have gravel lunches on Fridays, because your father says 
it is the pathway to health. And Harriet is almost engaged 
— to somebody, but she says the name so fast I can't 
discover who it is and she doesn't know how to spell it. 1 
think I'm fainting. Where am I? 

Goldina. This is the kitchen. 

Mrs. Quigley. What a hovel ! What a hovel ! My 
poor child, how many rooms have you? 

Goldina. Only ten. Mamma. 

Mrs. Quigley {weeping). Oh, my poor child! How 
many servants have you ? 

Goldina. None. I do all the work myself. 

Mrs. Quigley. Oh, my poor child! But you're a 

[49] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

fool. There's no man wortlf such a sacrifice. Vd go to 
Reno in a moment myself but your father won't let me. 
I think you had better come home, dear, and leave this 
Chard person. I tell you frankly, that Docksey, your 
Dachshund, will die if you don't. I can't remember to 
feed her. 

GoLDiNA. Why don't you send her to me? I could 
take care of her. 

Mrs. Quigley. Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Good- 
bye,, then. I hope you have a nice life in this wretched 
little hole. 

GoLDiNA. Thanks, Mamma, I shall. 

Mrs. Quigley {persuasively). There's Pointell 
Murphy-Jones. What a man he is. 

GoLDiNA. Yes. What a man. 

Mrs. Quigley. He's so well connected. He's a 
politician 

GoLDiNA. You forget. Mamma, I'm married to 
Jimmie. 

Mrs. Quigley. That's true. You do remember 
things so, Goldina! 

Voice from Outside. Theodosia! 

Mrs. Quigley. I must go. Your father's bellowing 
ill the hall. Good-bye, dear. I shall send you Docksey 
tomorrow. (Exit.) {Goldina follows her mother to the 
door.) 

Goldina. Good-bye, Mamma. {She crosses to U. L. 
and goes out through the door, almost instantly reappearing 
with an armful of pictures of Jimmie from one year up, 
in football clothes, street clothes, bathing suit and tennis 
flannels. These she proceeds to put on the various shelves 
in the room. Then, after admiring each in turn, with a 
sigh of contentment she crosses to L. R. and brings from 
the pantry cooking paraphernalia,) 

[501 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY {to Devil). That was the rankest libel of 
me! Humph! Never said "Thunderation" in my life. 

Devil. Will you be still? If I had known you 
couldn't behave any better I shouldn't have taken you out 
with me. Sh! {The bell rings.) 

GoLDlNA {with her hands in the flour). Come in. 
{Enter Harriet and eight girl friends.) Harriet, darling! 

Harriet. Did it take us long to get here from Brook- 
lyn? 

GoLDlNA. No, you were awfully quick. I can't kiss 
you because I am all flour. How do you do, everyone. 
So nice to see you. I'm making buns for Jimmie's din- 
ner. {With a wave of her spoon.) And this is the 
kitchen. 

Harriet {excitedly). Oh, is it? 

GoLDlNA. Why, yes, don't you see the stove and the 
sink? You don't mind coming in here, do you? You 
see I don't dare drop my buns. Run into the drawing 
room and get some chairs, then you can sit around me 
while I cook. 

All the Girls {delightedly). We'd love to! What 
fun! Isn't it the duck of a kitchen? 

GoLDlNA {modestly). We think it is nice. {The 
girls rush out and instantly appear with elaborate gold 
chairs on which they proceed to sit in a circle.) 

Harriet. Where did you learn to make buns, 
Goldina ? 

GoLDiNA. Oh, I don't know. Buns seem to come 
naturally to some people and I suppose I'm one of the 
ones. 

All {enthusiastically). Oh, you're so clever! You 
really are the cleverest thing I ever saw. 

Harriet. Where's Jimmie? 

[51] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. He's not in yet. I'm expecting him every 
moment. (To the girls.) He's a broker, you know, and 
washes out inkwells, just fancy. Oh, would you mind 
looking? I mislaid my egg. It was here not a moment 
ago. {Song, ''Oh, Where Have 1 Laid My Eggf) 
{They all look for the egg.) 

Harriet. Was it just an ordinary egg? 

GoLDiNA. I don't know how to describe it, except 
that it had the date stamped on it. Oh, here it is. {She 
brings it out of the bowl of flour.) And look — the date, 
January 2. So you see, it's this year's model. {Goldina 
nonchalantly breaks the egg into the flour.) 

Girls {rapturously). Oh, didn't she do that well! 
Just like a drug store clerk. 

Goldina. I put it in,, shell and all. You know, the 
shell will settk it. 

Harriet. But tell us about living in Harlem. Is it 
very — oh, 

Goldina. / love it. 

Girls. But was your father 



Goldina. Was he? But when one is in love what 
else is one to do? 

Girls {in one voice). Exactly! When one is in love 
what else is one to do? Has he money? 

Goldina. Not yet. But we live very comfortably. 
It means a little economy, that's all. 

Girls. What does he look like? 

Goldina. Here are some of his photographs. {She 
hands photographs of him to them all.) 

Girls. Oh, he's simply stunning! Well, he's the 
best looking thing I ever saw. 

Goldina. These pictures don't do him justice. To 

[52] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

me ht always seems exactly like a Viking, With a skin 
and a bracelet and a spear, I never see him in terms of 
collars and ties and Harlem, And when he leaves here in 
the morning for business the impression of the Viking 
is so -Strong that I can never remember whether he has 
worn his overooat or not. 

Girls, It^s such fun to hear you tell of him, 

GoLDiNA, I knew you'd be interested because you 
couldn't help it, Jimmie is so different from other men, 
(Politely, hut with a noticeaMe lack of enthusiasm,) Tell 
me about the man you're engaged to, Harriet, 

Harriet. Well, his name is Alexis Martini Tru~ 
betskoy Schahovsky, 

All, Good heavens 1 Who? 

Harriet. The aviator. But you mustn't tell a soul 
about it, because it's a secret. 

All, We won't. No danger, '■ 

GoLDlNA. There, the buns are done. {She puts them 
Into the oven.) Here comes Jimmie, I hear him in 
the elevator, and I think he is bringing eight of his college 
friends. They're perfectly wonderful. They look like 
Norsemen, t?oo, but not as much as Jimmie does, {A 
triumphal march is played.) 

Girls, Oh, I'm excited to madness. {Enter Jimmie 
Chard in complete Viking costume, a skin, heavy armlet 
<ind sandals, while on his head he wears a winged helmet, 
the rest are dressed likewise only they carry derhy hats and 
have canes and gloves.) 

Jimmie. Cassandra! (He embraces her.) I never 
saw you looking so well. 

GoLDiNA. Oh., you silly. (Turning.) It's no use 
introducing you, these are just eight of my girlhood 
friends, 

I 53 ] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE {easily). How do you do. A bit warm for 
March, isn't it? Ah, but it's nice to get home after a long, 
hard, tiresome day in business. 

GoLDiNA. How many did you wash today, Jimmie? 

JiMMiE {impressively). Three dozen! {The college 
men whistle incredulously.) Oh! I forgot, Ladies, par- 
don me. Let me introduce eight of my college friends. 

GoLDiNA. To eight of my girlhood friends. 

Girls {in one voice). Oh, how do you do. We've 
heard so much about you. 

Men. Charmed to meet you, I am sure. {Song, "Oh. 
How Do You Do, We've Heard So Much About You.'*) 

Jimmie. Hello, Harriet. 

Harriet. Well, Jimmie, old buck, how do you like 
business ? 

Jimmie. Would you like to know what I really think? 
We were just discussing it in the subway coming up. 
{Song, "Business.") 

GoLDlNA {bringing enormous buns out of the oven). 
Look., the buns are done. 

Girls. Wonderful 1 Well, really, you're the cleverest 
thing. 

Jimmie {enthusiastically holding a bun aloft). I ask 
you, did you ever see a bun like that? Try one. {They 
sample them.) 

All. Mm! But aren't we robbing you? What'll you do 
for your dinner ? 

GoLDiNA. Oh, I just made the buns on the side. 

Men. Gad! You're a lucky fellew. Chard. 

GoLDiNA. Won't you all stay to dinner? 

Jimmie. Is there enough ? Of course, I mean that 

All. No, we must be going. Yes, we really must. 

154] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE. Oh, can't you stay to dinner? 

Girls. No, we must be going. Yes, we really must. 

Men. Then let us take you home, for we've nothing 
else to do. 

GoLDiNA. You might put back the chairs as you're 
going through the hall. 

All. It's been a treat to see you, and we thank you 
for the buns. {Song, "Oh, Cant You Stay to Dinner f) 
(As Goldina and Jimmie are left alone,) 

GoLDiNA. That wasn't very polite of you when I 
suggested their staying to dinner, for you to pour cold 
water on it. It wasn't polite, Jimmie. 

Jimmie. I know it. But I didn't want a lot of chat- 
terboxes sitting about the place. I wanted to dine alone 
with you. Besides it's not good for you to cook for a 
regiment. 

Goldina. Jimmie, are you sure you didn't want to 
go off with your eight college friends? 

Jimmie (fervently) . And miss a cozy little evening at 
home ? Not on your life. ( Taking out an evening paper 
from his skin and then getting a lamp from the next room 
which he places on the table, and seating himself and 
putting his feet up against the stove.) Well, Mrs. Chard, 
life's pretty nice, isn't it? What shall I read to you? 
Here's a calf that eats five hundred dollars by mistake. 
That sounds interesting. 

Goldina. We must wait, Jimmie, until after dinner 
Do you mind having it in the kitchen ? The dining room 
has just been frescoed. 

Jimmie. I should love to eat in the kitchen. If I haB 
my way here's where we should always sit in the evening 
by the fire. It's so much cosier than an5rwhere else. 

Goldina. You're a perfect cat the way you like your 
home. 

15S1 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE {looking contentedly at her). Well, who 
wouldn't be under the circumstances? I suppose I must 
go and wash up, 

GoLDiNA. You don't need to dress for dinner^ 

JiMMiE. Good. A stiff white collar and a tie don't 
gee with a cozy little' kitchen and a cup of tea. 

GoLDiNA. Of course, when the dining room is in 
commission you must dress every night. Even when 
we're alone. 

JiMMiE. Just as you say, my darling. Anything to 
please, I'd even wear short Scottish kilts along with me 
own bare knees. Now, why I have taken to rhyming I 
haven't the faintest idea. I suppose it's because I am 
happy, I suppose it's because you are near. Where shall 
I wash? 

GoLDiNA. Try the sink tonight. I don't want to be 
left alone again, and I must be taking the dinner out of 
the oven. 

JiMMiE. Right oh! 

GoLDiNA. I love to have you say, "Right oh." It's 
so English, and you are using broad A, aren't you? 

JiMMiE. Well, rather. Where's a towel? 

GoLDiNA. There's a roller towel upon the door. {A 
roller towel appears.) 

JiMMiE. That roller towel I never saw. How stupid, 
there I've slipped again. I've puppy doggerel on the 
brain. 

GoLDiNA. I know you could write, Jimmie. I always 
said you had a literary quality. Very few have the 
poetical gift that you have. It would be so nice to have 
you a great author as well as Governor of the State. 

JiMMiE. You're the only one I've met who ever 
thought so yet. 

[561 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. If you're not too tired you might get the 
tablecloth and things from that drawer. 

JiMMiE. Right oh J 

GoLDlNA {putting flowers on the table), I do love 
"Right oh." Sit down. Don't wait for me, for I shall 
be jumping up and down all the time. 

JiMMiE. Ah, let me jump up and down with you. 

GoLDlNA, No, thanks, {She takes a soup tureen from 
the oven.) Here is the soup. {She hands him two 
plates.) You serve it. And here's whipped cream for 
the top, 

JiMMiE {after serving her). Mm! How delicious! 
You are a cook! {Smacking his lips.) Mm! Cassandra, 
how good it is! What's next? I can hardly wait. But 
do sit down yourself. 

GoLDiNA. I never care for soup. You might put the 
soup plates in the sink. Next comes sole with white wine 
sauce. {She serves it as he removes the soup plates.) 

JiMMiE. How did you ever find a sole in New York? 

GoLDiNA, At my Harlem butcher's, I bought two 
dozen, they came over in the Lusitania, and a very rough 
passage they had, by the bye. 

JiMMiE. Confidin' little soles, they must have been, 

GoLDlNA, They didn't tell me, stupid. The boat was 
two days late in the paper, that's all. 

JiMMiE, And wine sauce! {He eats,) 

JiMMiE. Really, Cassandra, your cooking seems to 
agree with you, 

GoLDiNA. Doesn't it agree with you, dear ? 

JiMMiE. Well, rather, I mean you don't look over- 
worked, but the moment I see dark rings under your 
eyes, whisk! I shall send you South and hire a chef. 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. Can I have your sole? You're through 
with It, aren't you? It is the greatest help in economy 
having me cook, isn't it, Jimmie? 

JiMMiE. Economy! Well, rather. Why, if I vv^ent 
to Childs' I couldn't — hello! Guinea iowL 

GoLDiNA. No. That doesn't come till the salad course. 
1 omitted the entree tonight. We have some filet mignon 
with Bearnaise sauce and pommes de terre soufflees and 
some legumes Provencales. (She sets the dishes on the 
table.) 

Jimmie. Really, Cassandra, you're extraordinary. I 
never knew one two-forty-ninths as clever. 

GoLDiNA. I'm glad you like your dinner. I didn't 
cook much tonight. You see I was unpacking the silver 
and the pictures all the afternoon. 

JiMMiE. You are a help. I never could get on with- 
out you. How long did it take you to prepare dinner? 

GoLDiNA. Fifty minutes by the clock. But Jimmie, 
are you through? 

JiMMiE. Yes, thanks, Cassandra. Quite. Now you 
sit down, my dear, and let me wait on you. I have it. 
While you're eating I'll telephone for a box at the opera. 
It will rest us both. 

GoLDiNA. What fun. It's 1146 — Bryant. {Jimmie 
goes to the telephone while Goldina eats.) 

JiMMiE. 1146 Bryant. 

Goldina. I'm so glad you like music as you do. Most 
men prefer comic opera. 

JiMMiE. Hello. Have you a box for tonight? Yes 
-—yes — James R. Chard. Yes — what time do the Rus- 
sian dancers come on? Oh, not tonight — thank you. 
{Turning.) It's Pelleas and Melisande. I don't care 

[58] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

very much for De Bussy, his lack of half notes jars mt 
like anything. But it'll rest us both. 

GoLDiNA. How thoughtful you are, Jimmie dear. 
Here's the Guinea fowl and salad. 

Jimmie. Wait a moment. I want to get a taxi. 

GoLDiNA. You'll have plenty of time for that while 
I'm dressing. It's wonderful the way you think of 
things. 

Jimmie. Guinea fowl! and cooked to a turn. Cas- 
sandra, I couldn't get along without you. 

GoLDiNA. Some day, Jimmie, I hope to help you 
politically as I've helped you gastronomically. 

Jimmie. If I am governor, it'll be you that have 
made me so. I never in my life saw you looking so well. 
(Pushing back from the table,) Oh, that was a good 
dinner. 

GoLDiNA. But you're not through yet, Jimmie. There's 
some Peche Melba. You might take off the plates — and 
I made some of those gateaux that you liked so at Rum- 
pelmayer's — Mont Blancs. But we must hurry if we're 
going to the opera. 

Jimmie. O, Cassandra, this is too much. {Putting 
the dishes in the sink.) Where'd you get that dress? 

GoLDiNA. Oh, it's just a little thing I picked up at 
Gimbel's for ten dollars and I fixed it here and there. 

Jimmie. Well, it's wonderful. What lines., my dear. 

GoLDiNA. I knew you'd like it when I got it. O, 
Jimmie, I'm so happy. 

Jimmie. And so am I. Peche Melba. 

GoLDiNA {wistfully) . Men are always supposed to be 
happy when they have plenty to eat. 

Jimmie {reproachfully). Why, Cassandra! 

[59] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. But, you're different, aren't you, Ji'mmie? 

JiMMiE. Absolutely different. 

GoLDiNA. Do you remember when we first had Peche 
Melba together at Amenonville in the Bois de Boulogne? 

JiMMiE. Do I? But you've beaten that chef to a 
standstill. I didn't tell you the news. I've had a raise. 

GoLDlNA (joyfully), Nol 

JiMMiE. Cashier. (Importantly,) What do you think 
of me now? 

GOLDINA (enthusiastically). Oh, I knew it would 
come. I could tell just from the way you wash dishes 
that they would give you something else to do very soon. 
O, Jimmie, I'm so proud of you. Next I know you'll 
be Governor. (They embrace.) 

CURTAIN. 



[60] 



SCENE 11. 

Before the Curtain. 

QuiGLEY. Is it over? Never in my life have I 
listened to such mush. {Iinitating.) "How charming 
you're looking, my love. What a dress! What lines!" 

Devil. I dare say they seem dull to you, but they're 
the sort of lines that bring Happiness on the run, in fact, 
even my uncle. Courage, and he hates anything silly, 
would love such {imitating Quigley) **mush." 

QuiGLEY. But why so much mush? 

Devil. Do you have to roar like that? Really, the 
nervous strain of keeping you quiet I think will affect my 
hair. Goldina's not through dreaming yet., she's only 
stopped to take a breath, or to answer a stupid question. 
Probably Miss Bledsoe is talking to her. Now get back 
because the curtains are still twitching. As for there being 
much mush, of course, there is. There always is in any 
girl's mind. You must remember that everything that 
is said is what Goldina would like to hear, and if you 
knew women as I do, you would know that they never 
can get enough mush. I think I have time to sing you a 
song that you very much need to hear on Woman and 
Woman's Ways. I writ it myself. {Song, "Woman and 
Woman's Ways") 

[ 61 I 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY. Goldina is different. Think of her inex- 
cusable extravagance. Guinea fowls in Harlem! 

Devil. Why not? Such things have been heard of. 
It's better to enjoy a Guinea fow^l in your mind than 
never to have Guinea iowl at all. 

QuiGLEY. But it's so impractical, so impractically 
impractical. Why even theoretically it's nonsensical. I 
shall discharge Miss Bledsoe directly. Ten rooms on 
twenty per is all her fault. 

Devil. Tush! No one's responsible but yourself. 
You've always treated Goldina like a child. I think, con- 
sidering the way she's been brought up, she has remark- 
able comon sense. Heaven knows where she got it. 

QuiGLEY. Why on earth did she have Jimmie Chard 
rigged up like an Indian ? I fail to see the point in that. 

Devil. You're even duller than I thought. When a 
girl is in love the man she's in love with always seems to 
her a hero, and utterly unlike all the other men she 
knows. Jimmie happens to remind Goldina of a Viking, 
that's all, and reminding her of a Viking he naturally 
would not have on a collar and a tie, nor a derby hat, 
nor a checked walking suit. For that's not the way that 
Vikings dress. Stupid ! Sh ! There go the curtains 
again. Judging from the light I think this scene will 
be ten years later. You're still in Goldina's brain, remem- 
ber. (The curtains part, disclosing a gold drawing room 
with a wide flight of stairs at the back, profusely orna- 
mented with gold balustrading. There is a table and two 
chairs at L. R. and a sofa at L. L. Six footmen in scarlet 
Iwery and powdered hair stand on the steps. Enter 
Goldina in evening costume with a large picture hat and 
a long cloak. Chubbock enters from L. L. as major 
do mo J in livery.) 

Goldina. Chubbock, when Mr. Murphy-Jones calls, 
show him in directly. 

[ 62 1 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Chubbock (with surprise). Yes., madame. 

GoLDiNA {walking forward). And Chubbock^ Mr. 
Chard will probably be a little late tonight. He's at the 
Republican caucus. 

Chubbock. Pardon me, madame, but I hope Mr. 
Chard is elected governor. 

GoLDiNA. Thank you, Chubbock. You may go. {^s 
Chubbock and the servants retire, Goldina clenches both 
hands and walks down the stage.) Jimmie shall win. 

Chubbock {at back). Mr. Murphy-Jones, madame. 
{Enter Jones. He looks bald and has a decided stomach.) 

Goldina. Good evening, Mr. Murphy-Jones. 'Twas 
very good of you to come in answer to my note. I know 
how busy you are running your own campaign. 

Jones {easily). I was flattered., I assure you. It's a 
long time, Mrs. Chard, since I have seen you. Ten years 
and three months. 

Goldina. How unkind. 

Jones. By Jove, you haven't changed a bit. You're 
only more so. 

Goldina. You're a born politician, Mr. Jones. 

Jones. Just what I was telling my constituents. 
Politicians are born 

Goldina. Sometimes too long. But won't you sit 
down? And wouldn't you like something to drink? 

Jones. Thanks, awfully, if you don't mind. A 
Scotch and soda. 

Goldina {ringing the bell and Chubbock answering it 
instantly). Bring a Scotch and soda for Mr. Jones. {Exit 
Chubbock.) 

Jones. You ought to write a Beauty Book and tell 
your secret to the world. 

[6.M 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. My secret is very simple, but I don't think 
it would help the world. My prescription simply is 
*'Jimmie." 

Jones. Chard has done awfully well. But as for his 
being governor, why, he hasn't the ghost of a chance. You 
might tell him from me, Mrs. Chard, that I've got every- 
thing bought up in sight, and now it looks as though there 
were going to be a landslide for your honored servant. 

GoLDlNA {quietly). I beg to differ. Jimmie is going 
to be governor. Isn't he the best man for the place? 
Isn't he better than you in every way? Answer., and be 
trank. Look at his record. 

Jones. I have, worse luck. There's nothing in it 
from my standpoint. 

GoLDiNA. Nothing in it? President of the Atlantic 
IVust, Doctor of Literature, knighted by the King for 
having written all six best sellers for the last three years, 
ex-chief of police, ex-mayor of New York, a member of 
the Cabinet, the leading aviator of America for the best 
somersault in the Belmont Meet, Honorary Captain of 
the Reserves, Major of Squadron D, and next Governor 
of New York. 

Jones. That's just it. A most difficult record to 
juggle with. 

GoLDiNA. And Jimmie has never paid a cent for any- 
thing that he has ever got. 

Jones. Ah ha, there's an opening. So he doesn't pay 
his bills. 

GoLDiNA. I was talking of bribes and corruption. 
Now I want to ask a favor of you. I want you to grace- 
fully retire from this campaign in favor of Jimmie. 

Jones {dumbfounded). "Retire gracefully," not much. 

GoLDiNA. By all means suit yourself on your manner 

I 64 1 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

of doing it, but I insist on your retiring. (Softly.) Have 
3^ou forgotten Greece, and me, and the fun we had in 
those care-free Monastery days? 

Jones. It's no use, Cleopatra, trying to use woman's 
weapons upon me. (Enter Miss Bledsoe, very old and 
withered.) 

Miss Bledsoe. Pardon me, Mrs. Chard, but could 
the children come and say good night? 

GoLDiNA. Oh, yes. You don't object, Mr. Jones? 

Jones. No, I should like to see all the little Jimmies. 

GoLDiNA. They're children, Mr. Jones, not a 
burglar's kit. 

Miss Bledsoe. Come dears. They've just got back 
from the Hippodrome. (Enter five children, three boys 
and two girls.) 

Children (with one voice). Mamma, dearest. 

GoLDiNA. This is Jimmie, Junior. Come here, 
darling. He's eight years old and wears fourteen every- 
thing. He's temporarily broken his arm, football. He 
was captain and was very strong on signals. He's so 
imaginative, he makes up new ones all the time, without 
saying a word to anyone. He takes after me in Arith- 
metic, I'm afraid. 

Jimmie^ Jr. How do you do, Mr. — I didn't catch 
the name. Excuse my left hand. 

Jones. Murphy-Jones. 

Jimmie^ Jr. Oh, you're that silly old goat that's 
running against father. I don't want to shake hands with 
j'^ou. I'll be darned if I do. (He kicks at Jones.) 

GoLDiNA. Darling, you mustn't kick Mr. Jones. It 
isn't polite. (To Jones.) You see he feels very strongly 
about his father's election. 



165 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE, Jr. All right, Mamma, dearest. 

GoLDiNA {laughing). Don't you think Jimmie, Jr., 
looks like Jimmie ? But he's like me in mathematics. And 
this is Goldina, my second. She speaks five languages. 
Say good night, sweetheart, in five languages. 

Goldina, Jr. {in a little voice). Guten abend. Bon 
soir. Buena sero. Saida. Good night. 

Goldina. Could you by any chance hear her ? 
Jones. Not exactly, but I imagined a great deal. 
Goldina. She's avv^fuUy shy, and has a very receding 
voice. Recite that piece, darling, about the Melancholy 
Ostrich. 

Goldina, Jr. {in a barely distinguishable voice) : 
An ostrich er — er — er and pined 
Because of the desert's heat 
Till the burning sand affected his mind 
But he said it affected his feet. 
So he climbed up North to a northern clime 
As fast as he ever could go 
Of course it took him a very long time 
Just to stick his feet in the snov^. 

Goldina. Did you catch the drift? You see she's 
very shy. This is Edward and Henry. Edward has 
written a very pretty little thing about the pig. He takes 
after Jimmie, and — {the clock strikes) oh, I haven't a 
moment to lose. The caucus is almost over. Children, 
don't you think you had better go to bed ? 

Jimmie, Jr. No, Mamma, we'd rather not. 

Goldina. Now, listen, children, while I reason with 
you. It is not good for your health to sit up late. It 
v/ill give you headaches, darlings, and is bad for the com- 
plexion. 

Edward and Jimmie (crossing their legs and looking 
thoughtfully at their mother). That's so. Mamma. 

166 1 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

The Other Children. Yes, Mamma's quite right. 
It's bad for the complexion. 

GoLDiNA. If I have convinced you, then, children, 
you should go to bed. 

JiMMiE^ Jr. Yes, Mamma, dearest, we see your point. 
' Good night. (She kisses them good night. Exeunt,) 

GoLDiNA. You see I've never spanked them. That's 
the secret. I've always reasoned with them. 

Jones. An extraordinary exhibition of discipline. But 
I must say good night,, Mrs. Chard. 

GoLDiNA. Oh, but I haven't begun to talk to you 
{Enter Chubbock with whiskey and a siphon of soda 
which he sets on a table along with the glasses.) 

Jones. It's no use, Mrs. Chard. Woman's weapons 
are out of place in politics. You forget, politics is to me 
entirely a matter of principle. 

Goldina. Yes, I had heard that your principal was 
considerably involved in the campaign funds. But please 
be honest with me. Don't you think that Jimmie will 
make a better . governor than you ? 

Jones. Apparently you're the one who would make 
the better governor. Neither Jimmie nor I. 

Goldina. Answer my question for the sake of old 
times, and help yourself to whiskey. 

Jones. Thank you very much. {He does so.) Of 
course, Jimmie's the better man, but, as for his being 
governor 

Goldina {with the siphon in her hand). Tell me when. 
{She fills his glass with soda.) 
Jones. Never! Mrs. Chard. It can never be. 

Goldina {suddenly turning the soda into Jones's face). 
Are you sure? {Jones stumbles backward and trips on 
the rug and falls flat. Before he can rise Goldina pinions 

I 67 1 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

him down with a chair and kneels on it. Then she draws 
a long hat pin from her hat.) You did just what I 
planned you to do, Mr. Jones. I blinded you with the 
soda, and you stumbled and fell. Don't move, or I shall 
jab you with my hat pin. Now, perhaps, you will see 
what woman's weapons can do in politics. 

Jones. Parlor tricks, you mean. 

GoLDiNA. It's all the same. 

Jones. Let me' iip. This is no position for a guber- 
natorial candidate to be in. 

GoLDiNA. Precisely. I'm glad you realize your unfit- 
ness for the office. Now I shall not let you up till you 
promise to withdraw your name from the campaign. 

Jones. By Jove ! This is an awkward situation. Ow ! 

GoLDlNA {thoughtfully). You see, I mean what I 
say. A hat pin, Mr. Jones, is a very useful thing. I'm 
willing to confess that I got the idea for this from 
your remark about not being willing to retire gracefully. 
Suddenly the whiskey and ^oda and the rest of it came to 
me. And I saw in a flash all the steps that led to your fall. 

Jones. You siren! {Dejectedly.) Beaten by a 
^yoman's wit. 

GoLDiNA. Chubbock, bring paper and ink. 

Chubbock. Yes, madame. 

Jones. Don't be absurd, Goldina. You don't really 
think that you can force a man out of politics in this way. 

Goldina (as Chubbock brings her the writing things). 
Here is the pen., Now turn about and write on your 
stomach. There's plenty of room. Hurry, please, we 
haven't much time. 

Jones (turning). Qw! I don't think this is a very 
dignified thing for you to do, Goldina. 

[ 68 i 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. No, I suppose not, and I should be mortified 
to have it get into the papers, but I don't expect that it 
will. I sha'n't tell of it. Write — "I hereby relinquish all 
claims on the governorship. I have been convinced that 
James Rennett Chard is the better man." Now sign and date 
it. Thank you. Chubbock, take this over to the Republi- 
can caucus directly and wait for the answer. 

Chubbock. Yes, madame. {Exit.) 

GoLDlNA {putting back her hat pin). There, you may 
get up and finish your drink. {She takes the chair off 
him.) Longmaid. {Enter a lanky man in livery.) Oh, 
Longmaid, you might get a whisk broom and brush Mr. 
Jones off. 

Longmaid. Yes, madame. 

Jones {draining his glass). I suppose I've nothing to 
complain of. It's all in the game. {Longmaid comes in 
and brushes him off.) I tell you the man that has you on 
his side can get anywhere. Good night. 

GoLDiNA. Good-bye. It was so nice to have seen you. 
I'm so glad that you called. 

Jones. Don't mention it, I beg of you. {Exit.) 

GoLDiNA. Ah, Jimmie, I've made you governor, 

Longmaid {at the door). Eight girlhood friends, 
madame. {Enter eight girlhood friends. They have 
grown stout while their faces are lined and their hair is 
gray.) 

Girl Friends. May we come in ? 

GOLDINA {delightedly) . Oh, I'm so glad to see you. 
I'm just waiting to hear the election returns. 

Girl Friends. How well you're looking! Marriage 
certainly has agreed with you. 

Longmaid {at the door). Mrs. Alexis Schahovsky. 
{Enter Harriet.) 

I69j 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDlNA. Harriet, darling, why are you in black? 

Harriet. Oh, it's my Russian, and he's flown. Oh, 
if all men were like Jimmie. 

Girls. Oh, if they only were ! 

GoLDiNA. It is wonderful the way Jimmie has kept 
his figure, isn't it? I don't see that he's changed at all 
in the last ten years. All the rest of his college team look 
iiu though they had given up athletics and swallowed their 
footballs. But it isn't so with Jimmie. He looks more 
like a Viking than ever. It will seem so funny to see 
him in a frock coat with a top hat, and a cockade. Of 
course, he must wear them if he is governor. (Enter 
Longmaid.) 

LoNGMAiD. Two mendicants at the door, madame, who 
say they're Mr. and Mrs. Quigley, whatever that means. 
Shall I send them away? 

GoLDiNA. Papa and Mamma! Show them in. {Exit 
Longmaid.) I'm afraid they're terribly poor. You know 
Quigley 's Canned Goods went into the hands of a receiver 
years ago. 

Longmaid. Mr. and Mrs. Quigley. {Enter the 
Quigley s in rags and tatters.) 

GoLDiNA. I'm so glad that you've come at last. 

Mr. Quigley. Goldina, in me you see a failure. 
Brrr! It's cold. And I have come to beg Jimmie's par- 
don. He's a wonderful, wonderful man. 

Mrs. Quigley. Oh, Goldina, such a life as I've led. 
I have iritis from head to foot. 

Goldina. I'm so glad to see you both. You're just 
in time to hear the election returns. {Enter Chubbock.) 
Devil. Don't laugh out loud whatever you do. 

Chubbock. Mr. Chard's elected governor, madame, 
by a howling majority. And the howling majority are 

170 1 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

comin' 'ome with 'im. {Enthusiastic cheers are heard. 
A brass band plays ''Hail to the Chief/' Enter the eight 
college men with Chard banners, stomachs and bald 
heads. Then enter Chard. He is in a frock coat and 
high hat. An hilarious rabble follow at his heels. Song, 
"The Governor.'^) 

The Crowd. Speech ! Speech ! Governor Chard ! 

JiMMiE {taking Goldinas hand). Goldlna, darling. 
{He clears his throat in gubernatorial fashion.) Friends, 
and constituents. You have given me a great honor this 
day. {The crowd shouts, "Hear, hear!'') You have 
elected me governor. {Wild cheers and drumbeats.) 
But the credit does not belong to me, but to my wife. 
Mrs. Chard. {Frenzied applause.) {The curtain at back 
falls.) 

The Devil {stepping forward, briskly). There, that's 
over. Now for Jimmie's head. 



CURTAIN. 



171 



ACT III. 

In Jimmie's Head. 

( There is the same arrangement of curtains as in 
Goldina's head.) 

Devil. Now we're In Jimmie Chard's head, and 
remember, no talking. 

QuiGLEY. Nice future Goldina has mapped out for 
me. A nice, dutiful future. 

Devil. I think myself you deserve it. But don't talk. 

QuiGLEY {in an amused tone). I never thought a 
daughter of mine would make such an unprincipled poli- 
tician, and I never thought a daughter of mine could 
know so little about politics. But where are we? 

Devil {with ill-controlled impatience). In Jimmie 
Chard's head. 

QuiGLEY. It's exactly like Goldina's. Same shape. 

Devil. Of course, you see a head's a head, and heads 
must all in shape be more or less alike, but if you could 
use your eyes you would see that everything in Jimmie's 
head was different from Goldina.'s. Even the black is 
different. Different as anything. The curtains are 
twitching. It was fortunate Jimmie didn't begin to 

I 73 I 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

dream until Goldina got through. Now we sha'n't miss 
a thing. Jimmie was probably putting on dry clothes 
which Mrs. Quigley gave him. At present he is alone on 
the parapet gazing at the sunset. 

Quigley. How can you tell? 

Devil. A little trick of my own! Ho! Gray light. 
That's a sign he's going to reminisce. The future, 
remember, in a healthy person is always rosy. {The 
curtain starts to rise and then stops.) 

Mr. Quigley. That's not my fault. I didn't say a 
thing. 

Devil. I never said you did. Jimmie is evidently 
trying to smoke and he can't get a light on account of the 
wind. Ah, there it goes. ( The curtain rises and dis- 
closes the parapet of the Monastery as in Act I.) 

Quigley. Why, that's here. 

Devil. He's evidently going over the scene he had 
with Goldina. Yes. There's the music. She's on her 
way. {Enter Goldina dressed like a Princess.) 

Devil. Hm ! Princess ! That's Jimmie's idea of her. 

Quigley. The rascal flatters her. 

Devil. Sh! Get back. {Enter Jimmie in the monk's 
costume.) 

Jimmie. Cassandra ! 

Goldina. Jimmie! So it was yoiir shoe? 

Jimmie. Yes, I'm the Cindereller feller all right. 
And wasn't it just my luck to have the old biplane break? 

Goldina. But think of your treating me like an olive. 
Wasn't it clever of you? 

Quigley. What does she mean? "Treating her like 
an olive." 

Devil {in patient boredom). Some remark she made, 
evidently, and he doesn't recall the exact words. 

(74 1 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. But how did you find me? 

JiMMiE. I went to the Piraeus, etc. — etc. — etc. — and 
came back to Athens, etc. — etc. — etc., discovered you had 
gone to Larissa, etc. — etc. — etc. — and finally, found you. 

Devil. The reason he is etceteraing in this fashion is 
that it bores him to remember the exact words of what he 
said. 

JiMMiE. Take my dressing gown. I like the way, 
Cassandra, you never bother to tell me how glad you are 
to see me. We just take things for granted, don't we? 
Say a thing once and that should be sufficient. That's our 
motto. Most women are so foolish and want to be 
admired all the time and pin their husbands down and 
don't want them to go off at night with their friends. 
But you're different, Cassandra. 

GoLDiNA. I like to have you go out, Jimmie. I think 
it's good for you. Just as I want you to feel you can 
smoke all over the house! 

Jimmie {fervently). I know you do. What I like 
about you, Cassandra, is that you're so sensible on all such 
matters. 

GoLDiNA. Why not? I love you and you love me. 
Still we're two people and must live two lives. 

Devil. Did you notice the yellow streak that came 
in then? That yellow light means that he's just said 
something that he might have said but didn't. Now 
here's more that he didn't say, but meant to, 

Jimmie. I think we can get married in a week. 

GoLDiNA. Why in a week? 

Jimmie. Because I am expecting to hear from the 
Buggy-O any minute. 

GoLDiNA. What has the Buggy-O to do with it? 

Jimmie. It's a cheap auto buggy. 

175J 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. For our honeymoon? 

JiMMiE. No. For our livelihood. I can't marry 
you, Cassandra, until I am able to support you in the way 
your father does. 

GOLDINA (softly). I understand. 

JiMMiE. I invested ten thousand in this Buggy-O 
concern and I have a feeling that it's going to go like 
wildfire. 

GoLDiNA. How splendid ! But supposing the Buggy-O 
doesn't go? 

JiMMlE. Then I shall release you from your engage- 
ment until I'm in a position to ask you. 

GoLDiNA. I shall wait for you. 

JiMMiE. I'm expecting a Marconi any moment from 
America telling me about it. Nothing's ever coming 
between us, Cassandra. {Enter Mr. Quiff ley. He is a 
blustering, impotent caricature of himself.) 

QuiGLEY {in a soft, stubborn tone). Thunderation ! 
I'll come between you. I shall lock you in a tower for 
disobedience, Goldina, in the dark like a naughty child. 
As for you,, sir, you're a rude villain. Get out of my 
sight. 

' JiMMiE. Mr. Quigley, you may be sure until I have 
done something I wouldn't take your daughter as a gift. 
I'm too fond of her for that. 

Quigley. Well, if you're not trying to marry my 
daughter, what are you doing? 

JiMMiE. I'm here to protect Cassandra from danger. 
This is a lawless, lonely country. 

Devil. All that's what he meant to say. What he 
probably said was, "Rot." 

Quigley. Come, Goldina, come with me to the tower. 
{He walks away with her abruptly.) 

1761 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Devil. Did you notice how suddenly they left? 
That's because Jimmie stopped thinking of them. He's 
rather taken up, you see, with being a martyr at present. 

Jimmie. I'd like to have a chance to show Mr. 
Quigley what I'm worth. 

Devil {as though to the real Quigley). Now be 
quiet till I get back. I'm going to take a hand in things 
myself. I often do it, for my father, Conscience, taught 
me how. When he's very busy, you see, he likes to have 
me help him out. I suppose that you didn't know that 
Conscience and a dramatic critic could be one. {He 
saunters forward.) So you're peeved with Mr. Quigley. 

Jimmie. Am I? 

Devil. Why should you be? 

Jimmie. Because I'm tired of not being appreciated. 
I'm tired of being balled out. All I ask is a chance. 

Devil. Yes, I know. A chance to play the little 
tin hero. Why shouldn't Mr. Quigley feel as he does? 
You never have done anything yet except annoy him. 
You always make a silly ass of yourself when he's around 
and crack bad puns, and oppose him. He doesn't know 
what you've got in you. How could he? 

Jimmie. Consequently I'd like to have a chance to 
show him. I'd like to have a few bandits on hand. 

Devil {interrupting). You talk big enough for six. 
What would you do with the bandits, those poor bandits? 

Jimmie. I'd get the Quigley family away from here. 

Devil. And what would the bandits be doing in the 
meantime? So you're willing as long as you can play the 
toy soldier, to risk the lives and comfort of everyone, 
Cassandra included? That's your wish, is it? 

Jimmie. I'm tired of being sneered at. 

Devil. Supposing the bandits were too much for you ? 

t7M 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Such things have been heard of! What of Cassandra 
then? Suppose you were killed, for the sake of argument, 
and Mrs. Quigley, Harriet and Cassandra were held for 
ransom, would it be worth it? 

JiMMiE. Of course I don't really wish it. It's only 
that— 

Devil. I know. (Seriously.) You may have your 
chance after all. Whom does Petros look like? 

JiMMiE, Hadji Stavros. 

Devil. And Hadji Stavros is a dangerous man, full 
of trick and treachery. He lives in these mountains, and 
the people are afraid. Many travelers come here who are 
never heard of again. Would it not be w^ise to interview 
Petros before it is too late? {The Devil quietly with- 
draws. ) 

JiMMiE. There's something in this. (Suddenly.) 
Jones! (Enter Jones. He is more masculine than before.) 
Could I -speak to you a moment? 

Jones. Charmed, I am sure. 
, JiMMiE. Jones, can I count on your assistance in case 
of trouble? I have a suspicion that Petros is none other 
than Hadji Stavros, the bandit. 

Jones. I'm with you, old chap, but what do you plan 
to do? 

Jimmie.. See Petros immediately before the sun has 
set. If we can surprise him and get him bound hand and 
foot the old rascal's fangs will be pretty well drawn. You 
see we can use him as a hostage until the rope's fixed. 
You and I can handle him alone, I think. No use worry- 
ing the rest of them. 

Jones. Right oh, I'm with you. 

Jimmie. Here he comes now. (Enter Petros. He 
looks ferocious and stern.) Father Petros,, is there any 
way for me to leave here tonight ? 

178 1 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Petros. Leave here? 

JiMMiE. Yes, leave here. I w^ant to get back to 
Athens. 

Petros. Ah, so you're not enjoying yourself, Mr. 
Son-in-lav\^ ? I have a little score to pay with you some- 
time, for making me ridiculous to Mr. Quigley. Yes. 

JiMMiE. If you'll get me back to Athens tonight, I 
shall make it v^orth your w^hile, Father Petros. 

Petros. Perhaps it vi^ould be a good thing. But still, 
what is one man to me? {With decision.) No, the rope is 
cut. It is impossible. 

JiMMiE. I want to go by the secret passage, Father 
Petros. 

Petros. Who speaks of a secret passage? And why 
do you say "Petros" as you do? 

JiMMiE. It's your name, isn't it? Of course there's 
a secret passage. All these old monasteries have one. 

Petros. You are wrong, my friend, you are wrong. 
When you leave here, you leave by the rope. It will be 
ready for you very soon. {He turns on his heel.) 

JiMMiE. By the bye, Father Petros, haven't I seen 
you somewhere before? Your face is very familiar. Have 
you ever been to the great city of Athens? 

Petros {sharply). You mean something you do not 
say. What is it? 

JiMMiE {jumping at him and tearing off his gown, 
thereby disclosing Petros in full bandit's regalia). I mean 
that you are Hadji Stavros. 

Hadji Stavros {blowing on a whistle). I shall make 
short work of you. {Enter the monks on the run.) Elatho! 
anderes mou. 

Monks. Malista, Hadji Stavros. {They throw of 
their gowns and appear in full brigand's costume. They 

I 79 J 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

throw themselves on Chard and Jones, who struggle 
furiously.) 

Hadji Stavros {leaving the major part of the conflict 
to the monks). You bring things to pass sooner than I 
planned, but sunset or moonlight it is all one to Hadji 
Stavros. {Jones and Jimmie in the meantime have been 
knocked down, but Jimmie staggers to his feet and pick- 
ing up a chair, swings it above his head.) 

Jimmie. Stand back ! My fight's with the old villain 
and I can't waste time on you. {He strikes one monk 
with the chair and stuns him. Two other monks lie back 
unconscious, while Jones straddles a third.) Now, Hadji, 
I'm ready for you. 

Hadji Stavros {smiling calmly). Do you suppose 
this is all my band? 

Jimmie {snatching a revolver from Hadjis belt). I 
lost my own revolver in the cataract. Now, I'm ready for 
you. 

Hadji Stravos. You took the wrong one. That 
revolver is not loaded. {Brandishing another.) I emptied 
it into an American two weeks ago, who would not pay 
his ransom, and listen, it does you no good to fight me, 
for I have you and the Americans in my hand. When the 
sun is set fifty of my band come up the secret way. Fifty. 
Hadji Stavros is no child. He knows his business. 

Jimmie {catching Hadji Stavros' hand, in which is the 
loaded weapon). You're going to tell me where that 
secret stair is now. 

Hadji Stavros. Anderes mou. {They struggle.) 

Jimmie {to Jones). Get Cassandra and the Quigleys. 
Tell them there is not a moment to lose, and by the time 
)'ou get back I'll have that secret passage out of the old 
man if I have to choke him. 

Jones. Can you handle him alone? 
180 J 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE. I think I can. Hurry. It is almost sunset 
now. 

Jones. Right oh. {Exit.) 

Hadji Stavros {fiercely). Let go of me, you son of 
a dog. {They struggle furiously.) Anderes, anderes mou. 
P^Jatho! {Suddenly there is a loud report and Jimrnie 
catches Hadji Stavros by the throat while the revolver 
clatters to the pavement.) 

JiMMiE. Tell me where the secret stair is, and be 
quick about it. 

Hadji Stavros. You child of a child,, I laugh at you. 

JiMMiE. I mean what I say. 

Hadji Stavros. Faugh! (He attempts to throw 
Jimmie ojf, but Jimmie with a quick jiu-jitsu move downs 
him on the pavement and sits upon him, and resumes his 
grip on his throat.) 

Hadji Stavros. Ach! Ach! I tell you. Go to the 
foot of the net and lift up the third stone from the right 
and {Enter Chubbock.) 

Chubbock. Want any help? I have locked the 
fathers in the wine cellar. 

Jimmie. Try the third stone to the right of the 
derrick if you don't mind. I'm after a secret passage. 

Chubbock. No, sir, nothing 'ere,, sir. He's a tricky 
old cove, sir. 

Hadji Stavros. Stop! Stop! 

Jimmie. Come now, I said no lies. Quick! 

Hadji Stavros. Third stone from the right of the 
door, pull it out and you will find a ring. Turn it and 
it is the passage. 

Chubbock {following directions and finding a secret 
door). I've found it, sir. 

[81] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE. Here, tie him up, Chubbock, and drop him 
in the goat tower. 

Chubbock. Yes, sir. {He drags Hadji off in a half- 
vnconscious state. Enter Goldina with her mother, 
Harriet and the others. They are subdued and terrified. 
Goldina alone is very calm.) 

JiMMiE. Cassandra, you must hurry down those stairs 
and Jones, you go first 

QuiGLEY {in a state bordering on utter collapse). 
Bandits! Bandits! Oh, what shall we do? 

Mrs. Quigley {feebly). Bandits! 

JiMMiE. You've not a moment to lose. As long as 
you get away from here before sundown you're all right. 

Jones. Come on. {He starts down the stair, Mrs. 
Quigley following him with Belinda.) 

Goldina. Jimmie, what is it? 

■JiMMiE. I'm shot in the leg, that's all, so I can't go 
with you. 

Goldina. But you must. We'll carry you. .{Quigley 
and Chubbock, who has returned from disposing of Hadji 
Stavros, pause open-mouthed at this last development.) 

Chubbock. Yes, sir, we'll carry you. 

JiMMiE. No, the stair is too narrow — go — hurry! 
Before the rest of Hadji Stavros' band get here. 

Goldina. I sha'n't leave without you, Jimmie. 

JiMMlE. You must. They would only kill both of us 
if you stayed — one is enough. 

Goldina. But I'd rather die if you 

Jimmie. No, for my sake, not that. Please go. With 
my last breath, I ask it. 

Quigley. Chard, I take back what I said of you. 

Jimmie. Thank you, Mr. Quigley, but there's no 
time to lose. {Exit Mr. Quigley.) 

[82] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDiNA. Jimmle, I can't go. 

JiMMiE. You must, dear, the sun is setting. If you 
love me, go. 

GoLDiNA. For your sake, then — • — (She turns and, 
ivavering for a moment, staggers out through the door after 
Chubbock. Jimmie stands alone in the twilight.) 

CURTAIN. 



SCENE II. 

Before the Curtain. 

Quigley's Voice. Bless me, the curtain came down 
a bit suddenly. 

Devil. That's because Jimmie has stopped daydream- 
ing, and will now try to put his thoughts into practice. 

QuiGLEY. What do you mean? 

Devil. He's been imagining so hard that now he's 
going to do something about it. My advice to you, Mr. 
Quigley, is to keep your eye on Jimmie. I must be ofE 
to China. Have I fulfilled my part of the contract satis- 
factorily? 

Quigley. Yes. You have indeed. 

Devil. If you'll excuse me, then, I'll say good night. 
You'll be waking yourself in a moment. By the bye, I 
shall send a message to my mother that I have found two 
heads which she will very much like to visit. Now remem- 
ber your compact, and you will never see again the Devil 
in the Cheese. (The lights go out.) 

[83] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 



SCENE III. 

(Quigley is discovered sleeping by the table on the 
terrace as in Act I. He slowly wakes. Enter Jimmie 
Chard at back in a light Tyrolean costume.) 

Jimmie. O, Jones, could I speak to you a moment? 
{Enter Jones in an abbreviated Greek costume.) 

Jones. Well, rather. Charmed, I'm sure. What do 
you think of this for a costume? It's all that was left. 
Still, I couldn't keep on my sopping wet duds. By Jove ! 
Your suit is ripping. 

Jimmie. Heaven forbid! I've been thinking things 
over and I'm afraid there's trouble ahead. 

Jones. How do you mean ? 

Jimmie. Have you ever been to the Athens Nickel- 
odeon ? 

Jones. You mean that moving picture place? I can't 
say that I have. They're so beastly hard on the eyes. 

Jimmie. They had a picture there of Hadji Stavros, 
the bandit. 

Jones. Must have been very interesting, old chap. 

Jimmie. I'm convinced that Petros and Hadji Stavros 
are one. 

Jones. You don't say so! It seems a bit ridiculous 
— er — and absurd. 

Jimmie. Yes, it's an awfully humorous idea, I know. 
But we can soon find out how much comedy there is in it. 
You and I will get hold of Petros, then if he proves to be 
Hadji Stavros we will bind him and get the Quigleys 
out of here in some way before darkness comes on. 

Jones. You're exaggerating! That peaceful old 
monk a bandit! Why it's impo3sible. {Jimmie in the 

[84] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

meantime tries to find the ring and the secret passage. 
but with no success.) 

JiMMiE. Hm! Thought I'd find the secret passage, 
but my imagination seems to have run away with me a 
little. 

Jones. Quite so. It's all your imagination. 

JiMMiE. I wish it were. I've been thinking things 
over, as I said. Nothing is impossible in a lonely spot 
like this. The lives of Cassandra and her family may 
depend on us. 

Jones. I'd rather not tackle any bandits, all the same. 
They're not in my line. 

JiMMiE. Buck up, and be serious. Once get that old 
beggar in our power and we're all right. 

Jones. Really, I must decline. I — In the first place, 
I don't think it's respectful to an old monk, for I must 
say I don't share your absurd views in the least. A 
chance resemblance in the Athens Nickelodeon is hardly 
adequate proof. 

JiMMiE. But supposing he is a bandit, and I am abso- 
lutely confident he is 

Jones. Then all the more reason for leaving him 
alone. I'd as soon think of pattin' a wasp. Believe me, 
old chap, I've heard that the only thing to do when 
bandits are about is to duck your head and let them blow 
over. 

Jimmie. I'll be darned ! So you won't help me? Then 
1 must ask Mr. Quigley. 

Jones. Of course you understand that my reason is 
that it's all piffle. A perfectly harmless old monk and you 
think 

Jimmie. Well, here comes your ''perfectly harmless 
old monk." We'll soon find out. 

[85] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Jones. I think I hear someone calling me. I'll — I'll 
be back. {Exit.) {Mr. Quigley, who has heard every- 
thing, rises.) 

QuiGLEY. I'm glad I found him out. I heard every- 
tbJng, Jimmie, and I'm surprised at him. I didn't think 
he was such a lily-livered afEair as that. 

Jimmie {unable to conceal his contempt). Neither 
did I. 

Quigley. You say Hadji Stavros is coming. Well, 
I'll help you myself. And, Jimmie, that fight was 
immense, and your shooting yourself in the leg and all 
the rest of it. 

Jimmie. Why, what do you mean? I haven't been 
fighting. 

Quigley. No. But you imagined a ripsnorter. 

Jimmie. Mr. Quigley, has anything happened to you? 

Quigley. Come, come, Chard, own up. Am I right? 
Revolvers and secret stairs and brigands on the side. 

Jimmie {thunderstruck) . You ought to go into vaude- 
ville, Mr. Quigley, as a mind reader. I suppose you think 
me more of an idiot than ever. 

Quigley. Not at all. I agree with you perfectly, 
Jimmie. I ought to have known better than to have 
brought my family out here in the first place. 

Jimmie. We haven't much time to lose, Mr. Quigley. 
Ah, here's the old reprobate, now. 

Quigley. Well, we can handle him. {Enter Petros.) 

Jimmie. I want to speak to you a moment. Father 
Petros. 

Petros. Oh, you told me Mr. Quigley would like it, 
hut he did not. 

Jimmie. I want to get back to Athens tonight. 

Petros. But the rope is cut. It is impossible. 

[86] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

JiMMiE. Is there no other way? 

Petros. It is the only way. 

JiMMiE. I want to go by the secret passage, Father 
Petros. 

Petros. Who speaks of a secret passage? I do not 
know him. 

JiMMiE. Did you ever hear of Hadji Stavros? 

Petros {trembling) . What of Hadji Stavros? 

JiMMiE. I know what he looks like. And I have 
recognized him, Father Petros, in this monastery. 

Petros {trembling). Ah, no. That is impossible. 

QuiGLEY. Enough of this. We know you, Hadji 
Stavros, own up. {He tears the gown from Petros with 
Jimmie's help and the monk is discovered in his shift.) 

Petros. Ee parterres mou. Ee parterres mou. ( The 
monks, who have entered during the scuffle, cower at the 
back like frightened sheep.) Elatho — elatho. This is 
an outrage to the Greek Church. 

QuiGLEY {laughing suddenly) . Jumping Jehosaphat! 
I see where your imagination, Chard, ran off with the 
two of us. 

JiMMiE. I beg your pardon, Father. He's a simple 
looking brigand, isn't he? I took you for somebody else, 
that's all. {Enter Mrs. Quigley unexpectedly in a danc- 
ing girl's costume. She is followed by Harriet in a Yama 
Yama dress, and Denny in a short Greek tunic. Belinda 
is dressed as Buster Brown, while Lizzie and Chubbock 
bring up the rear.) 

Mrs. Quigley. Mr. Quigley, I hear we've reached 
brigands. At least, that's what Mr. Jones says. 

Harriet. Anything for a little excitement. 

Denny. Where are they. Mater? I've got my golf cup 
all ready for 'em. 

[87] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY {to Chubbock). Bring Miss Goldina. {Exit 
Chubbock.) 

Mrs. Quigley. Don't you give them your golf cup, 
Agamemnon, darling. I'd swallow my jewels before a 
brigand should have them. 

Denny. I only planned to give it to him in the side 
of the head. Mater. You see we haven't even an umbrella 
to swat them with. 

Mrs. Quigley. But where are they? Mr. Jones, 
where are your bandits? 

Denny. Yes, Jones, cough up your bandits. 

Quigley. Must have been one of Murphy-Jones' 
dreams. 

Jones. Not at all. They're not my bandits. I merely 
said as a joke on Jimmie that 

Quigley. Not another word from you, do you hear? 
Keep quiet. 

Mrs. Quigley. Why, why! Do I believe my ears? 
Mr. . Quigley throwing mud at his idol? {Growing 
very indignant.) Do you mean to say there aren't any 
brigands, and you got me out here for nothing? 

Denny. The Mater is disappointed. 

Mrs. Quigley. What is he doing without his wrap- 
per, may I ask? 

Petros. I am about to curse you all, for the sacrilege 
to the Greek Church. And I shall have you all thrown 
over the wall. ( The monks murmur imprecations. 
"Malista, Quigley bah!") 

Mrs. Quigley. A new development. {Chubbock 
returns.) 

Quigley. Come, come. Father Petros. It was all a 
mistake and I'm willing to give you four thousand 
drachmae for your monastery to show you how sorry I 
am. We want to go back to Athens tonight. 

[88] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

Petros. That is different. Four thousand drachmae 
— but the rope is 

Chubbock. I managed to fix the rope, Mr. Petros, 
and everything's O. K. 

Hercules. I must confess it was my doing. I fished 
for it with my wireless paraphernalia. Then Chubbock 
has been helping me in splicing it. 

Mrs. Quigley. But we can't go like this. I haven't 
the face to go back to Athens as a dancing girl. 

Quigley. We'll go to Larissa and join our trunks, 
and 

Petros. There's someone down below. I'll drop 
the net for him. {Enter Miss Bledsoe and Goldina as 
Bo Peep and Juliet.) Gureedzete strevlee. {The monks 
lower the net.) 

Miss Bledsoe. I hear there are brigands. How 
terrifying ! 

Quigley. Who are you ? 

Miss Bledsoe. Bo Peep, sir. 

Quigley. Why it's Miss Bledsoe. Well, Goldina, 
how's the governor and the hat pin ? 

Goldina {at the word hat pin drops her studied indif- 
ference and gasps). What hat pin, papa? 

Mrs. Quigley. I thought he was better. Why don't 
we start? 

Quigley. We will, as soon as you're ready. Chub- 
bock and Lizzie, go in and pack up. I'll write you out 
your check, Petros. 

JiMMiE {to Goldina). I think everything is going to 
be all right, Cassandra. Something's come over your 
father. Would you mind telling me, Mr. Quigley, how 
you knew about my being shot in the leg and the secret 
stair ? 

[89] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

GoLDlNA. O, Jimmie, were you ? 

JiMMiE. No, I wasn't at all, really. But Mr. Quigley 
thought I thought it and I did, but I don't know how he 
knew. 

M|is. Quigley. Governors, hat pins, stairways and 
leg;:! And it's all due to that Devil in the Cheese. 

Quigley. You're more right than you know, Theo- 
dosia. It's all due to the Devil in the Cheese. It's a long 
story. I'll tell you sometime. The end is that Goldina 
and Jimmie were married and lived happily forever after. 

Goldina. Father ! 

Denny. Bully for you. Governor. 

Harriet. Congratulations, Jimmie. 

Mrs. Quigley. Don't you feel rather out of it, Mr. 
Jones, in that costume? {Enter Parapagopolos in the net.) 

Parapagcpolos. Please, Mr. Chard, I have brought 
the macaroni. 

Jimmie {reading the message). Parapagopolos, my 
darling! Well, what do you know? It's a go. 

All. What's a go ? 

Quigley. The Buggy-O, of course. 

Jimmie. Say, you know everything about me, don't 
you? The Buggy-O means that Goldina and I can get 
married, that's all. 

Quigley. Well,, pile into the net, everybody. Mrs. 
Quigley and Belinda and I, and Denny and Harriet and 
Hercules will get into the first net, Jimmie and Goldina 
into the second, all to themselves, and the leavings can 
come last. 

Jones. Thank Heaven I won't be squashed this time. 
Chubbock, you may call me when the net's ready. {He 
saunters angrily off.) 

Mrs. Quigley {stepping into the net). Do you think 
we will get down all right? 

[90] 



THE DEVIL IN THE CHEESE 

QuiGLEY. You'll get down all right, don't worry 
about that. 

Mrs. Quigley. Oh, my teeth ! 

QuiGLEY. Drop 'em? 

Mrs. Quigley. No, Mr. Quigley, they're chattering. 

Chubbock. Shall I put in the cheese, sir? 

Quigley {getting into the net after Denny and 
Harriet). No. Leave it behind. I'm through with 
cheese and thunderation. 

Denny. Congratulations, Governor. 

Quigley. All aboard. 

Harriet. Back to Athens. 

Hercules. Back to Lulu at last. {Song, "Back to 
Athens/^ as they sink out of sight. Jimmie and Goldina 
are left alone together as the song dies away.) 

Goldina. O, Jimmie, dear, I'm so happy. But do 
j^ou understand what came over papa? 

Jimmie. I'll be darned if I do. He says it was the 
Devil in the Cheese. {The monks, busy at their work 
about the windlass, sing a chant that has the love music 
of Goldina and Jimmie winding through it. The latter 
move over to the edge of the parapet away from the 
monks, and Jimmie takes Goldina in his arms as the cur- 
tain falls.) 

curtain. 

Second Curtain. Jimmie is helping Goldina into the 
net, the monks still singing their song, and then they 
slowly float away out of sight.) 

CURTAIN. 



[91] 



MAR 23 19U 



